Sex Toys for Men

By Silverhawk

Sex toys for men are commonly of the “gozonta” variety, meaning they typically are a sleeve of some sort into which the user inserts his joy stick.

For centuries men have all used the same device. The device is very portable, has the capability of fitting nearly any size, and it’s always ready. It’s commonly known as Mary Palm and her five sisters and is the first sex toy all men discover.

Mary serves us men pretty well most of the time as long as there’s some secondary stimulation, usually visual, like a porn film or for some, even the Victoria’s Secret Catalogue. In earlier times, the Sears and Roebuck catalog served the purpose unless the lady of the house cut out all the pages of women in their undergarments. More than one mother did just that once her son realized those pages were there.

When there’s not a porn film or magazine handy, and because single men don’t usually get Victoria’s Secret catalogues in the mail, we have to rely on mental stimulation.

Women think the mental thing is all about them, and that we men stare at them all the time imagining how they’d look naked. That’s not true at all. Sometimes we close our eyes and let Mary and our vision of you sans everything take us to Nirvana. It’s only the rest of the time we’re imagining how you look naked so we can close our eyes and go to Nirvana again. It’s kind of like the circle of life for us.

The ancient Greeks didn’t have to imagine much, what with all the erotic art they produced, but Mary and her sisters weren’t quite enough for some. They wanted something that felt more natural. They chose the things they had plenty of and that wouldn’t raise any eyebrows if they were seen purchasing them – bread and olive oil.

Anybody seeing your average Greek man at the local bakery or olive oil shop would just think he were going back to the andron (the man’s room in the house where no women were allowed) for some bread and wine with his best buds while they discussed philosophy and politics.

In reality, the horny Greek was going to let the bread dry out a bit and then punch a hole in the center. He’d lube up ol’ Mephistopheles with some nice, extra-virgin olive oil, and thrust him vigorously in and out of the bread until the bread was properly bred, so to speak.

The next attempts at simulating the path to ejaculatory bliss were towels or some other material that could be wrapped into a roll. The hole in the roll was then filled with something slippery but not too slippery, like jelly or honey, and the guy got busy.

So, first it’s bread with a hole, kind of like a long bagel, and then later on, jelly rolls and honey buns. You’ll never look at those things in the grocery store the same way again, will you?

There were a multitude of variations on this theme for centuries. Men can be pretty inventive if properly motivated, and getting our rocks off ranks right up there with breathing and eating as a prime motivator. Three hotdogs in a baggy and microwaved for ten seconds seems to be a popular modern method and you can eat the hotdogs afterward…well, on second thought, maybe not.

All the rolled up towels and bread loaves had one big deficiency – they don’t look anything like a woman. What men really wanted was a woman they could carry around with them if they so desired. Dutch sailors solved that problem, sort of.

Dutch sailors apparently didn’t have much to do while at sea except remember plugging the dike in that cute little Dutch girl back home, so they made copies of her from cloth or leather. When the Japanese saw these while trading with the Dutch in the 17th century, they called them “Dutch wives”. Most were pretty generic and as one might imagine, not all that close to a real woman, but they were equipped to do the job.

It wasn’t until the invention of rubber that true sex dolls came into being, and the first weren’t much better than the “Dutch wives”. They were inflatable dolls the size of a very small woman complete with a mouth, breasts, vagina and anus. They’re still available today, but usually as just a gag gift because the inflatable dolls of today have the same problems as they did back then.

One had to inflate them before use. It takes a lot of air to blow one up, and after the user had managed to do that, he was usually gasping for breath and ready for a rest instead of a ride. At least you only had to do it once.

They did look like women, but in a kindergarten drawing sort of way. They had a head, a body, and arms and legs, but there was almost no detail except around the three orifices that counted, and even that wasn’t very realistic. For most men, Mary and her sisters were still the best bet, and you didn’t have to deflate the gals and hide them if anyone came to visit.

The third drawback was they weren’t very durable, and durable is pretty important. Sometimes in the throes of passion, Lucille developed an air leak. There was a tell-tale “ssssss” and a few seconds later, Lucille was flat as a pancake. Not very long after that, so was the unlucky guy. Complete blow-outs were not unheard of if the action got vigorous or if the user was a big guy. That meant sending off for a new Lucille and then waiting weeks until the plain brown paper wrapped package arrived in your mailbox.

Along with porn, the internet spawned a revolution in men’s sex toys. Manufacturers already knew what men wanted. It was just very hard to market those things through magazines because of the laws about pornography. With the internet, you could sell anything to anybody right in their own living room, den, or bedroom. The lifelike “pocket pussy” was born.

Pocket pussies were originally just the lips of the vulva with a snug hole, but they made it look and feel like you were really doing the nasty. Some came with hair, and later on, some came with the road less traveled as well. The silicone rubber used could be molded in any color, felt pretty real, and was easy to clean. They were called pocket pussies for a reason – you could carry one with you.

Now, you could carry your “incredibly life-like and craving your hard rod” blow-up girlfriend with you too, but people would have thought you were weird and would have probably called the police. With pocket pussies, no one was the wiser.

Manufacturers and porn stars quickly realized there was an untapped market out there. Female porn stars allowed casts to be made of their lady bits, so today, one may buy a pocket pussy that is a duplicate of a favorite porn actress. Pocket pussies were way better than blow-up dolls, but one still had one problem – you had to hide them at times.

In 1995 a man and his two brothers developed a pocket pussy that would blend in with normal household items and also feel more like the real deal. The design was such that the whole thing fit into what looked like a big flashlight, hence the name “Fleshlight”. You just unscrewed the fake light section, plugged in, and screwed the rest.

As with the original pocket pussies, Fleshlights are available in multiple skin tones and as a copy of your favorite porn star. There’s also a second line called “Flashjack” that has an anus instead of a vagina. It’s marketed primarily to gay men and features copies of some famous gay porn stars’ nether portals.

These were better than the pocket pussies, but still weren’t quite the same as porking a real pie. There’s just something about watching boobs bounce and an ass jiggle that nothing else can replace.

At the end of the 1990’s, an artist in California began construction of a silicone rubber female mannequin and thought other people might be interested in the process. He built a web site and began posting progress pictures. It wasn’t long before he began getting emails asking if the mannequin was “anatomically correct”. Well, he hadn’t planned on that, but the artist realized she could be. As they say, the rest is history.

The artist’s “Real Doll” was the first but there are now several companies making clones of the Real Doll. The realism and quality varies considerably and the selling price corresponds, but most do look somewhat like real women.

The best dolls are very nearly perfect. You can select your perfect woman’s race, ethnicity, and hair color, and there are other selections as to fixed or removable entrances and whether she can stand up or not. Most are useable for conventional sex, probing the dark side, oral sex, and the ever popular “titty fuck”.

All that capability does come at a price, but really, who wouldn’t want a woman who is positively gorgeous even first thing in the morning, is always ready for anything and everything, and doesn’t rag you constantly about that dripping faucet, complain about having gas, or ask you if she looks fat or not? The long-term savings in toilet paper, makeup, and those trips to the hair stylist and manicurist every month will more than equal the original investment. That’s not even considering the money spent on dinners and really expensive sparkly stuff to get a real woman in the mood.

Some men become real fans of these dolls. They’re called “iDollators”, and a few have more than one. One guy even “married” his Real Doll, and has two more who are “just good friends”. There is no information available relative to the successful completion of a “menage a quatre” by any such owner, but it is likely it has been attempted.

The rental market is already here too. In Italy, a doll bordello is being planned, and though it doesn’t yet exist, the first several months of appointments have already been reserved. It is likely others will follow since no law exists that could construe a doll to be a prostitute. Perhaps in the not too distant future, you’ll even be able to go to your local “Rent-A-Wench” dealer and bring one home with you for the weekend.

Sex dolls also becoming common enough they go “on sale” at times. It probably won’t be too long before we start getting “exclusive coupons” in the mail and you have to believe that eventually, there will be “pre-owned” models in show rooms and on the internet auction sites.

I can just see the newspaper and auction ads.

“Found in the original crate in an old barn. This honey is just like she left the factory. Even the sticker listing installed accessories and MSRP is included. Inquire for price only if you’re serious”.

“A classic you have to see to believe. Gently used and never abused by an older gentleman who just liked to display her. Large wardrobe included. We’ll finance anybody so come on down.”

“Certified by DollFax, this gem is cherry in every respect, and has six months left of the manufacturer’s warranty.”

“A toes-up rebuild by Custom Ass, this blonde honey is ready to rock your rocks off. Many custom parts including the ‘Power Pussy’ and ‘Lusty Lips’ by Bed Bug Engineering and you won’t believe the feel of her “Rockin’ Rosebud” by Bums R Us until you experience the difference.”

Ladies, don’t worry too much. For most of us guys, a doll would be an interesting, if a bit unusual, one-time experience. We love you, really, we do, and we wouldn’t give you up for anything…as long as you let us try that thing we read about on the internet last night.

Image by rawpixel.com, digitally altered, cc0