This is a true story, from a lady to the ladies and gentlemen.
You might not believe it, tho.
One day I fell asleep and my dildo woke me up.
She said: Your butt plug's in the closet actin' a damn fool,
Talkin' about I get the most coochie, she about to buzz me up!
So, I went to the bottom drawer and said "Butt plug, what's wrong wiff you?"
Buttplug: You ain't shovin' me up the booty chute, it's like I don't belong to you.
I said: I've been dating this dude, baby.
I'mma let him tongue some booty, I don't want him to think I'm a loose slut, baby.
You used the dildo twice in a row,
Tell me if the plan switchin'!
Cause we used to go teach grade school together,
Ass full of me under the skirt while you teachin' the kids their letters,
I was up yo' fat ass every PTA meeting,
We a team, I was quakin', you were hand-shakin'
I was twirlin' while you were parent greetin',
Tell me if it's now or never!"
I said: "Booty Plug, take it easy, girl.
'Cause I got to teach Sunday School, so you gonna be hidden with me, girl.
Trust and believe, my need for you will never be endin'."
And then the Butt Plug said: "You shouldn't be around NOBODY'S children."
I got a story to tell, my Butt Plug talk to me
But nobody believe that my Butt Plug talk to me
I got a story to tell, my Dildo talk to me
But nobody believe that my Dildo talk to me
I got a story to tell, my vibrator talk to me
But nobody believe that my vibrator talk to me
I got a story to tell, my anal beads talk to me
But nobody believe that my anal beads talk to me
My dildo said to me:
"I'm ordered black so your racist ass can pretend I'm a black vampire!"
And then she get wet and sticky in me.
Dildo, you rock grrrl, but leave me alone.
I got to talk to my boo Vibrator to get in the zone.
I said "Vibrator, what the hell's up?"
She said: "You know how a ho' do,
Either hiding in your purse, next to the muppet XXX,
Or up your cunt while you're in a Chucky Cheese suit havin' gay-not gay furry sex.
So are we at the comic convention again? Don't pull me out unless it's safe, so check."
I said: "Not this time, I'm just chillin' home alone,
Rubbing off to Blackula again, I want his bone,
Tired of waiting on this dude to text my over-expensive ass phone."
Then, my Anal Beads said to me:
"You need to wash and anal dush before you screw with that guy,
Don't wear that thong, you get doodoo stains, so just make up a lie,
But you're a freaky fuck,
So just bend your ass over and let kinkdom fly."
I'm freaky as fuck
You ain't tryin' to text me back, I'll stalk a n***a, just ask Chuck.
Hold up, ladies, it ain't a convo unless your Erotica start talking.
My erotic literature spoke to me.
She said I wasn't shit, and if it wasn't for her ass, there'd be no hope for me.
I said "A book is only entertainment." And then she laughed hard like a troll,
She said she's glad I got recorded fallin' my stupid uncoordinated ass off a strippin' pole.
She said: "I'm the reason you hot for rich men, chains and whips,
Why you masturbate with a fuckin' magic wand and wear elf nipple clips.
I'm why you squirt off to Blackula, fuckin' vampire fetish.
Plus all those failed dates, cuz you think a steamy novel is real life, bish.
Dracula and Othello, you got the pages stuck to-fuckin'-gether,
Do you think all your students know your night time name is "Bad Doctor Leather?"
She said she's the reason I wish I was Asian, so I can be Japanese,
And if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't even know about the term "blowjob knees."
She said it's her fault I trot around naked in a horse mask, screen name Sexy Mare.
She said she's the reason I want to peg a wimpy dude while dressed as a racist teddy bear.
I said: "Listen erotica, I'm a clean, decent church girl!"
She snickered and said "Bitch you nastier than a crack-head squirrel."
I said: "Erotica, you're the root of kinky filthy ass shit!
How could they ever place anywhere near classical lit?"
But I'm a filthy kink-freak,
So I logged into Noveltrove, shoved my hand up my cooch and bounced until my chair squeaked.