In the last few days, my heart has been bleeding and the words can't cross my lips to express what I need to say. I can't say what my heart feels because of my deep love for you and my need to let you be who you need to be. My heart aches because I love who you are right now and I feel that a part of me will die when part of you disappears.
When we met, you told me that you had always felt that you were a woman trapped in a man's body. You told me that you had always been disgusted by your male genitalia. You told me that even though your penis expressed your arousal and your desire for me, you had always longed for a vulva, for a vagina, you had always longed to be all woman. As I fell in love with you and you with me, as I fell in love with your beautiful breasts, your soft, supple, female skin, I also fell in love with your beautiful penis and your luscious gonads. To me, they are a precious part of you. They are synonymous of your great diversity, your uniqueness, your femininity, your masculinity all rolled into... you. You, Alex. Alexander. Alexandra. Alexandrae. My Alex. The beautiful woman I love. The beautiful transgender creature - I use this word with such love, you know that - that I want to keep all to myself.
My sweet Alex, in a few days, you will finally become the person you have always wanted to become... and I can't come around to tell you how afraid I am that you will cease being the person that I am happy you are. You keep saying how you are anxious to feel my hard, pulsating member inside your newly constructed vagina, to fell my manhood inside your womanhood. But if I needed that, my sweet, would I not have stayed with Serena? If I did not want of your penis, would I have not left a long time ago? I don't know how I can express this to you by any other means than with my mouth, with my hands, with my fingers, with my lips as I have since the first time we made love.
I don't feel I have the right to tell you that I will miss your manhood, Alex, because you have always rejected it. I don't feel I have the right to tell you I will miss your hardness in my hand, in my mouth, between my buttocks. I don't feel I can express the loss I anticipate when I think of your delicious manly eruptions of cum mixing with mine. What will your orgasms be like now? Who will I see in your eyes when you have female orgasms now? Will you ever be the same? Will you still be my Alex?
Yes, I know. Intimacy and sex have never defined our love and our relationship. They have only been aspects of our well-rounded life. But who will we become when you become Alex 100% woman? Where will Alex 25% man go? Where will I, as your lover, partner, husband, go?
I need to love every inch of you before you go. I know. You are not dying. You are not leaving. You are not disappearing. But my grief and sadness in losing part of you can not be expressed because, to you, it is source of joy and liberation. I am not allowed to feel what I feel because if I do, you will resent me for it. I will be the enemy. And I can't live with that.
I need to believe my love will be stronger than anything. I need to believe that the new you will be enough for me because my love is so very strong.
Tonight, I celebrate your masculinity. Tonight, I celebrate your eruption. Tonight, I celebrate your manhood. Tonight, I start saying goodbye to part of the Alex I love. Tonight, I make love to the man I love. In silence.
This letter, written by Tristan LeMay, is based on a true story. (c) 2016