I had never been so nervous in my whole life. I had never been comfortable with any man before to let him see my body; let alone allow myself to physically become intimate with one before. It was weird fact of myself that I hated my body and took the judgement of men to heart. Being intimate with a woman was not the same for me. I always felt the need to be dominant in that situation and with a man I felt it could go either way. The thought of spontaneous sex roles scared me. And you always hear terrible stories of women’s first time with a man. The thought alone made my heart race in my chest.
I knew he could tell I was nervous because I had hardly made any moves all night even trying to dodge kissing him after dinner on the way back to the car but, he was just too sweet. We were in his house now to make things worse and I felt like I had nowhere to run and hide. We settled down on the couch with the tv softly playing in the background he turned to look at me at which point my heart fluttered and I could feel a familiar feeling in my lower abdomen. He spoke, “Are you alright? You have been quiet tonight, even at dinner and, the ride home. Where is your mind at tonight?” My heart dropped even more and I replied with a lame tone and underlying nervousness, “Oh, i’m fine, do I not seem fine?”, I was hoping to avoid truthfully answering his question by answering with a question. He chuckled with a smirk still staring at me intently, “That didn’t really answer my question now did it?”, he raised an eyebrow to pose the question on me even harder. I felt like I had to run to hide the truth that I knew he wanted to be intimate with me but, the thought alone terrified me. I couldn’t even handle the way I see my body and I always imagine others to have just as harsh of a judgment. I hopped up saying, “I have to use the bathroom”, he pointed down the hall to the left. I felt so rude to just jump up but I felt like I was going to pass out if had not done so.
I locked myself in and gazed at myself in the mirror. The thoughts immediately started. “He is going to think your body is disgusting.” “He will only sleep with you to use you then, tell his friends about your horrendous body.” “What if he sees you and then tells you to leave?”, I could only think that maybe he just wanted to use me like the men before him who liked to use my photos and videos and then disappear or he would find me too grotesque to even use me. With each thought I felt a panic attack coming on. I heard a knock on the door; it was him. “Are you okay?”, “Did you get sick from dinner?” I couldn’t respond and felt hot tears swell in my eyes. The silence was the loudest thing I had ever heard. “Can you open the door?”, “Is it okay if I unlock it?” I couldn’t just leave him standing out there.
I reached for the door knob and opened the door. He took one look at me and grabbed me to pull me close. I immediately started to bawl. He asked no questions and walked me out to the living room where we resettled on the couch. For a minute he just held me; which was nice. His body was warm and its breathing was calm with the faint sound of his heartbeat. I began to regain composure. Feeling unstable but still wanting to explain my total breakdown. I spoke, “I have never been with a man before and I assumed that is why you brought me here.”, Looking at me with soft eyes he gently spoke “You never had or will have to do anything with me that you don’t want to.” “Just try to calm down and we can talk or watch a movie; whatever you want to do.” He sort of smiled at me and just turned the t.v. onto a movie.
I sat there dumbfounded; having not expected any of his reactions. I did want to tell him though why I just had a whole fit in his bathroom. “I want to tell you the truth because I like you but, I am scared to.” He grabbed the remote turning the t.v. down again. He stared like had before making me feel fluttery. I quietly exclaimed, “I am just going to start by saying It isn’t that I don’t want to sleep with you, because I do but, I think you are going to find me disgusting.” “I have only ever had men use me before to get off and in some way that would get me off in a way to except my body.” “I have so many flaws it scares me to even think of wearing a swimsuit around you; let alone even less clothing.” He responds with a slight puzzled tone, “What do you think is so wrong with your body?” Never being posed with this problem before it felt weird to have to compile a mental list and not just say everything. “Well, I hate my boobs they look weird.” “Also, my stomach has loose skin from my weight loss and my butt is too small and I think my vagina is fat even though I constantly work hard to lose weight.” He looked as if he was thinking. “Well why don’t you show me and I will let you know if there is something really wrong with you?” I felt my skin turn bright red. I loudly exclaimed, “Noooo, I would die from embarrassment and what if you think something is wrong with me then what?!” He got up walking away from me saying “I guess we'll just have to see.” He wandered down the hall and into a room. I sat for a second and then followed him. I walked in to see him sitting on his bed giving me a goofy smile. It made me giggle slightly. “I won’t view you sexually; I will view you honestly.” “And just know you are safe with me I would never want to hurt you.” I sat down on the edge of the bed awkwardly. “I don’t know.” “Why would you want to do that?” With a more serious tone he responded, “Because I want you to know you are gorgeous and nothing is wrong with you.” Knowing how bad I really wanted him I said, “Okay.”
I turned around on the bed to look at him. Of course I was still nervous but his calm demeanor and the soft warm light of the room made it easier. I slowly began to remove my top but kept my pants on. They were high waisted to cover my problem areas. “Can you close your eyes?” I asked. He obliged closing them with no question. I unhooked my bra in the back and slid it off my arms letting it sit next to me on the bed with my top. “Don’t open your eyes yet.” “I need a second.” I looked down at my breast and felt so much hate. I closed my eyes cringing inside. “You can open them.” He was silent which scared me. I felt like I was going to get sick then he said, “Are your eyes closed?” I realized he wasn’t even remotely worried about my breast but was looking at my face I opened my eyes to see him looking back at me not my body but my facial expression. I quickly thought of something to say, “I feel like i’m going to vomit i’m so nervous.” With hilarity in his tone his quick response was, “Let’s not do any of that. You are safe and I want you to feel safe.” “Do you trust me?” I took a deep breath, “Yes, it is me not you. I always get unreasonably paranoid when it comes to my body.” He nodded a bit in understanding. “Would you like to know what I think?” Sheepishly responding, “Yes.” With a simple nature, “I think they are very nice; I don’t see anything wrong with them.” I felt myself become less tense. “Well you can’t say there is nothing wrong with my stomach.” I pulled my pants below my loose skin as if to prove i'm not crazy for thinking i’m ugly. He looked my back in the eyes. “There is nothing wrong with your stomach either.” “If anything it shows your weight loss progress.” “You should be proud of how hard you’ve worked.” I started to feel silly for hating it because he was right. “I am proud of my weight loss my body has just changed so much but in some areas not enough.” I got up and removed my pants. I turned around to show my butt. “I think it is too little my muscle tone everywhere else has grown and I feel disproportionate.” I turned back to him and got back on the bed. “I still think you have a cute butt.” I sort of laughed quietly but was still dreading showing him my worse insecurity. My vagina. I should be proud of it and support her in a way to prove myself as a strong woman but I just can’t. I pretend to be confident till faced with intimacy. I stared him in the eyes seeking comfort and reached down to remove my underwear. I watched his gaze shift down my body and felt both nervous and turned on by the way he looked at me. He sat up spread my legs and looked down upon me. I felt warmth rush down my stomach. I spread my labia to show him the inside and he looked for a second then back up meeting my eyes. I closed my legs because I knew I was starting to become frisky with ideas. He spoke only saying “everything looks normal.” He then grabbed my hand to pull me up off the bed and walked me over to a full body mirror.
He stood behind me and I could feel his body warmth again close to my skin. He grabbed my other hand and had me trace my own skin with them. “You need to learn to love yourself and feel that you are loved and deserve to be loved.” “You are beautiful.” I felt completely calm and in touch with my body as I felt my own smooth existence. I turned around to him and put my mouth near his ear and whispered. “Thank you.” I pulled back to meet his glare again and leaned my forehead against his for a moment. I leaned in to the the other ear. “Can I kiss you?” He met my gaze with a grin grabbing my chin pulled me lips to his kissing me intensely. Shivers went down my soul and his hands started to explore my body. He walked me back over to the bed and laid me down gently while still gently caressing my lips with his and gently allowing his tongue to intermingle with mine.
He released a deep breath through his nose and a slight moan as his hips pressed into mine. He reached down to remove his shirt. His lips then began to fall down my neck with kisses and little nibbles still going down to my breast. Just his body on mine felt good. He then used his tongue to swirl one of my nipples while using his hand to stimulate the other. I let a whimpering moan. My skin filled with goose bumps. I realized I was starting to pant and was no longer worried what my body looked like but what it felt like for it to be touched. He leaned a way for a moment to remove the rest of his clothes revealing his body to me. I ran my hands down his chest kissing his chest as well. I then reached down to grab his girth and began to stroke him. He was already quite aroused. He let out a deep moan that aroused me even more. He then relocked his lios with mine and I felt him reach down to touch me. His fingers passed over my clitoris and I was like putty in his hands. He felt me inside as well. His touch was heavenly and I let out several moans which intrigued him more. I had my eyes close and my head leaned back he whispered in my ear. “Does that feel good.” I practically yelled back at him, “Yes!” And he began to speed up his hands while using his thumb to stimulate my clitoris. My hips began to grind against his hand begging for more. I felt euphoric.
I felt him lean back in against me and felt his hips fall back on mine but this time he sat right outside of me stroking me with himself. I was trembling. He kissed me again then looked me in the eyes I could feel both our hearts racing. Him slowly began to thrust inside me and I turned and let out a gasp. He kissed and my neck as I did so. He started off slow as my body was not quite attuned to this sort of action but soon began to speed up. With every pant and moan he let out I became more turned on. My whole body was tingling. I wrapped my legs around him to pull him in more as I bit and kissed his shoulder. Nothing had ever felt this good. He then rolled us over giving me quite a shock. I was on top suddenly but naturally I just began to move with a steady motion that felt right. I began to grind him quite quickly after a minute and he grasped my thighs tight. Neither of us were quiet anymore. I could feel him so deeply and I felt the tingles begin to grow. They grew more and more. He sat up quick and laid his head on my chest as I continued to ride him. I felt it coming and I felt how wet I was and how hard he was and suddenly my body exploded with pleasure. It felt so good I didn’t even make a sound I just continued and swung my head back with my mouth open gasping. I began to slow down as I came down from this high. In between him still moaning he said, “i’m going to come soon.” His breathing was shaky as he said it. I hopped off him and began to kiss down his stomach down to his member wrapping my lips around the tip then taking more to taste him. He loudly let out, “Oh fuck!” I continued to take him in as much as I could then he said “it’s coming, i’m coming!” I felt a rush of warmth in my throat and him pulsating while moaning strongly. I swallowed and began to slowly ease my mouth off of him. He pulled me up to him to kiss me and we both laid naked in the bed. Still panting lying close while still slightly intertwined. When he caught his breath he said, “Now that wasn’t too bad was it?” We both laughed softly. He looked down at himself in a joking manner “give me a few minutes for round two.”
To be continued…….?????