Honeysuckle Hotline

Info Cydia
06 Sep. '18

“Thank you for calling the Honeysuckle Ltd telephone information service! This hotline provides information and assistance to all of Honeysuckle Ltd’s business and franchise partners, authorized sellers and customers. Honeysuckle Ltd. specializes in...”

“Yeah. Yeah, interesting. Please. Come on, hurry up.”

“...mer services. Please hold.”

“Ha. I am holding. Holy shit, I am holding so hard. Please, for the love of-“

“Welcome to Honeysuckle customer service. To change languages, press 1. If you are interested in new products, press 2. If you have a complaint, press 3. If you--”

“I have a complaint, alright, but I want to yell at a real person, dammit!”

“-products, press 4. To go back into the main menu, press 5. To speak with a Honeysuckle customer service representative, press 6.”

A button is pressed. A beep on the line.

“... ... We will transfer you to the next customer service representative. Please hold.”

“Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry-“

“It’s not in the way you came back to me. It’s not in the way that your love—“

“You are fucking kidding me.”

A click.

“... ... Please hold.”

“I AM HOLDING. I’ve been holding for half a goddamn hour already!”

“... Love isn’t always on time! Whoa whoa whoa...”

“I'm losing my goddamned mind.”

“It’s not in the words that---“

Another click.

“Honeysuckle Ltd, this is Jason speaking, hello. How can I help you today?”

“Woah. Uh, hello, Jason. My name’s Eric. Listen, this is not a prank call or anything, I swear...“

“That would be a lot of effort for a prank, sir. You must’ve been in the queue for more than fifteen minutes to have made it through the automated phone menu. Sorry about that, by the way. It’s actually company strategy to keep prank callers away.”

“Uh. Good to know it’s nothing personal. Listen, Mr, uhm, Jason. I’ve recently – I mean, today, I bought one of those toys-“

“Which one are you referring to exactly, sir? I can help you much better if you give me details about the product.”

“Well, uh. I’m not sure about the name. It’s, uh, dark blue with some white. Looks kinda like an orchid in the picture on the box.”

“There is no name or any other information on the box?”

“Nothing, except the brand logo – you know, the picture with the sexy bee and the honeysuckle flower – and the usual catchphrases. Naturalistic feeling, durable material, money back guarantee, that sort of stuff.”

“That is unusual, sir. Where did you purchase the product?”

“Well, I mean, I didn’t. My wife did, on the internet somewhere. I just opened the package and, uhh, I thought it was the replacement part for the laptop she’d been waiting for for ages. I thought I’d fix the laptop before she came home, but instead it was this, uh, thing.”

“I see. Well, I’m afraid your wife may have bought a cheaper counterfeit product. There are, sadly, many of those available online, and the official and authorized sellers can sometimes be hard to spot because the tricksters look very convincing. You should absolutely tell your wife to document the case for us, send the product back to the seller to see if she can maybe get the money back, and then we would be happy to take the official complaint.”

“Yeah, that won’t, uh... No. She can’t send the product back.”

“Is there no return address?”

“No.” Pause. “Uhm. The product is... currently in use. That’s basically the reason I’m calling.”

“... ... Oh.” Pause. “Uhm, I’m sorry. I’m not sure I understand you correctly.”

“I’m sure you do though, Jason.”

Pause. “Sir, I don’t-“

“Jason, the orchid-shaped thing is in my ass. It’s in my ass, it’s vibrating, it feels disturbingly good, but it also won’t come out and I’m freaking out, Jason. Sorry to confront you with this, but I thought I might ask for help from you guys first before I take the most embarrassing ER trip of my life.”

Silence. “Okay.”

“Look. Jason. Man. I’m really sorry. I am literally more embarrassed than I have ever been in my life, and that includes that time I shat myself at my mother-in-law’s BBQ and unsuccessfully tried to pin it on the cat. I would absolutely understand if you laughed your ass off on my account. I’m sitting here, in the bathtub, with only my shirt on – which I should take off because I’m sweating like a nun on a cucumber farm, to be quite frank – and a vibrating toy lodged in my rectum, and I’m asking you if there is any, uh, trick or release latch or whatever on your toys. Or even to, like, take the batteries out because the cheap, fake remote control has given up the ghost right after switching the damned thing on and onto the highest intensity.” Pause. “That thing isn’t coming out now matter how I’m pulling on it, and I don’t want to give myself a prolapse. Help me, Jason. Please. Please, tell me there’s a secret swish-and-flick that makes it stop.”

A beat of silence.

“Okay. Alright. Firstly, I would never laugh at a person in distress. Secondly, you’re not the first and you absolutely won’t be the last man to find himself in this exact situation. So don’t you stress because of me. I think it would be best if you did go to the ER, really, but you can always leave that as the last resort. I’m going to try to help you out, alright?”

“A-Alright.” A sigh. Static on the line. “Thank you. Seriously, man.”

“Now, I’m afraid you’ll need to describe to be exactly what’s going on, anatomy-wise. Maybe I can find out exactly which Honeysuckle product they counterfeited, and maybe they made it a good counterfeit with the same functions and features.”

“Uhm. Well. The main bit is... uhm. There’s a... protrusion. It’s about as long and thick as a thumb, maybe a bit longer and thicker than that. Feels like a goddamn 2x4 right now, though. I think it might have gotten bigger.... inside. A little curved. A little, uhm. Wavy? Like hourglasses? It’s squishy rubber and it’s vibrating and pulsing and sometimes moving around.”

“So it’s a very mobile part with a lot of functions.”

“Yes. It’s attached to the part that actually looks a lot like a flower. Like, with petals and a sepals and a lip, like an actual orchid. And I only know that because my mother-in-law made a goddamn drama about the flowers at the wedding. God, I should not be talking about my mother-in-law right now.”

“I’m looking at a google image of an orchid right now. So the—say, the blossom part is on the outside?”

“Yes. Around, like, the, uhm. Sphincter. Lodged in the cleft on the one side and on my, uhm. On the other side.”

“On your perineum?”

“Yes. Actually, there’s another little protrusion on that part, which is also vibrating.”

“It’s massaging your prostrate from the outside.”

“I—uh. Yes.”

“Alright. Well, sir-“

“Please, call me Eric. You’re helping me save my asshole here, so you can absolutely call me by my first name.”

“Alright, then. Eric. It looks like your wife bought a counterfeit Amaryllis. That’s also a flower, by the way, so you weren’t far off with the orchid. Now, a real Honeysuckle Amaryllis has a small latch for batteries on the outside part. The compartment is one of the petals. It’s really small, though, because the toy only needs two coin cells, and hidden in the petal-like bits, usually on the sides to make the little slits almost invisible.”

“I... I can’t feel anything. Fuck, my hands are shaking, though.”

“Okay. Did you try to put fresh batteries into the remote control you mentioned? You could at least switch the vibration off that way.”

“That’s an idea. Hang on.”

Silence. Footsteps going, coming back. Some noise in the background. Rustling.

“Jason? I think... I think it’s not working. Must be the remote itself. Fuck.”

“Alright. It was a long shot. Not to worry. It’s not a problem if you can actually extract the toy.”

“I’ve tried that already-!“

“Relax, Eric. Take a breath and listen to me. Unless the counterfeiters have drastically changed the design of the Amaryllis, pulling it out shouldn’t be impossible for you to do without the help of the ER. The bit that’s inside your rectum, is it dramatically bigger and wider than the part that is now directly stuck in your anus? Is there a big flare, like... Is it basically like a wine glass, with the stem sticking out?”

“N-No. It’s... a smooth... I mean. It’s not bulbous or anything. More like a...”


“Uh. Well. Yes. Or a finger, but... yeah, no. It’s, uhm. Shaped like a dick.”

“And when you try to pull it out, does it hurt at all? Do you feel anything sharp or abrasive?”

“Uhm. No.”

“That’s good news, Eric. We can work with that. It’s all about relaxation. Now, do you have any lube at home?”

“WD-40? Vaseline?”

“Vaseline will do. Actually, almost any sort of cream and lotion will also do. Baby oil, too. Grab any one of those.”

“... I see.”

“The much more important aspect, though... Eric, you’re going to have to relax. So please, get out of that cold bathtub. Go to the bedroom. Take off your shirt.”

A soft laugh. “Never thought I’d hear those words from another man.”

A laugh in reply. “Well, you can cross that off your bucket list. Now get yourself to bed, hot stuff. Take a towel with you if it makes you more comfortable.”

Some rummaging. “Alright. Alright. What now?”

“Are you in bed yet?”

“...I am now.”

“Good. That’s good. Now breathe for a moment.”

Static over the line.

“Wonderful. What’s for dinner tonight, Eric?”

“Dinner? Why, you planning to come over? I mean, I feel like I almost owe you at this point.”

“Ha, no. I’m just curious.”

“Uh. Casserole. Leftovers from yesterday, actually, with some green beans and fried potatoes with sour cream.”

“Wow. That sounds really good. Maybe I will come over! Do you cook?”

“Yeah, sometimes. I mean, tonight it’s just heating stuff up and trying not to burn them to coals while I’m distracted by the TV, but I actually do cook on occasion. I’m good with pasta and sauces, stuff like that. And BBQing, of course, even though there are some, uh, traumatic memories that come up every time I smell the grill.”

“Oh, yeah. I bet you wear one of those aprons that says ‘BBQ King’, don’t you?”

“’The Grillfather’, actually. With the puppeteer’s hand logo.”

A loud laugh. “That’s a great one!”

“It is, isn’t it.” A short pause. “So, uhm. Not to interrupt your praising me for my fantastic BBQ apron – for which I have been relentlessly ridiculed in this family, by the way – but I think we could now get back to the matter at hand.”

“So eager, Eric! I like it!” Another laugh. “Alright, then. I just wanted to distract you a bit. As I said, you need to relax. Hey, are you right- or left-handed?”


“Then roll onto your left side for me, please.”

Some dull rustling noises. “... Okay.”

“You can easily reach the toy like that, right? With your right hand?”

“Uhm. Yes.”

“Then you take whichever lube you brought, and put it around the stem of the toy. Liberally.”

“Around the-?”

“Onto your hole and onto the toy.”

A pause. “I—alright.”

“Don’t be stingy. Use, like, lots. You got a towel, right?”

“Yes, I’m lying on it.”

“Fantastic. Slather that stuff on, then.” Pause. “Are you applying the lube?”

“... Yes.” Breathing.

“This part really shouldn’t hurt. If it does, then you should really go to the ER-“

“No! No, it... doesn’t hurt.” Breathing. “At all.”

“Mh. That’s good. Now, when you’re done-“

“Yeah, I’m... fuck... I’m done.”

Pause. “When you’re done applying the lube, grab the entire, like, the whole ‘blossom’ of the toy with your fingers.”

“Hah. Alright. Kinda like grabbing a... a gate valve.”

“Uhm, yeah. If you want to think of it that way, that’s okay. I guess it does look a bit like a rounded corner hexagon, too, so... yeah. Uhm. Now, pump the toy inside you. Just a little, to get the lube all over the part that’s going in.”

“Pump? Inside?”

“Yeah. To get lube over the important parts. Just a bit. Gently.”

Silence. “Oh... kay. Hnngh. Okay.”

“Good. Now you relax your muscle and try to gently pull the toy. Don’t pull away from you, though. More down and towards the backs of your thighs.”

“Down and towards the back of... okay.”


“If it hurts, you stop immediately.”

“No, it’s... It’s not painful.” Pause. “It feels... uhm.”

“If it feels good, that’s totally normal, Eric. We males are truly the crown jewel of creation, with the G-spot installed up our asses. Hashtag, intelligent design. Nothing you can to about the feeling.” Pause. “And I’m guessing the outside arm of the toy is also pressing up against your perineum a bit. It’s bound to get you a little, you know, tingly. That’s fine.”

“Wh—What if it’s...” Breathing. “More than a little tingly, though?”

“Then you are actually a very lucky man, Eric. But you can explore that nifty little feature later on. Right now, just keep pulling gently.”

“It, uhm. This is freaking me out. It kinda gets... sucked back in again...”

Pause. “God, Eric, you are wasted on women.” A cough. “Sorry. You’ll have to work against the suction a bit. Don’t be scared. Try twisting it around, see if that helps.”


“What happened? Did it come out?”

“Ahh, no. Hah. It just... fuck.

“If it doesn’t hurt, you can try pulling harder.”

“Don’t... Don’t say that word right now, Jason.”

“Which one? Hurt? Pulling?”

“Hah. 'Harder.'

A small gasp. “... Oh. Uhm. Okay. Pull, uhm. More?”

“Oh, shit. Shit.

“I’m sorry, Eric. I’m sorry this is happening to you and causing you such distress. Sex toys are supposed to be fun. Anal play is supposed to be even more fun. Really, I am sorry.”

“Not your fault. My own stupid fault. I was curious. It just... went in so easily and felt so good...“

“Tell you what, Eric. Once this is over and you’ve processed the whole thing, I’ll personally send you some proper Honeysuckle toys over. Maybe you and your wife can try them together?”

A laugh. “Are you really trying to sell me something right nOH!”

“What?! What happened?”

“I think I--- It’s... oh. Ohhh.”

“Eric? Please, what’s happening?”

“Oh, God. Oh, God, oh, shit.”


“Shit... I can’t-“ A moan. “Fuck.

A breath.

“Don’t fight it, Eric.”

“Fuck. Fuck.

A groan. “You’ve got lube at hand. Might as well use it.”

“Wh-hat? Fuck.

“Jerk off, Eric. I’m sure you’re not comfortable right now. You have my permission. I won’t hang up on you if you do.”

“Oh, God. This is... God.” More moaning.

“Do it.” A pause. “Harder, Eric.”

“Ah, God!”

More. Right now, Eric. Let go.”

A long groan. Curses. More groans.

Heavy breathing. Rustling.

Silence. A faint buzzing sound.

“I’ve...” A shuddering breath. “I’ve got it.”

“What, really? You do?”

“Yeah, it... uhm. It came out when I—“


“... Yeah.”

“Well. Great! That’s great, Eric. I’m glad. Good job!” Static from a relieved breath. “Whew!”

“I didn’t actually do much, I think...”

“Doesn’t matter. You did it. I hope you’re not sore or anything. If you are, you can put some ice on it, and use normal pain relievers. If there are lasting problems, you should see a doctor-“

“No, I think it’s all good, actually. All fine. Uhm. The thing, the, uh, toy is not actually that big at all.”

A chuckle. “Yeah, well. It’s not the size that counts.”

 A laugh. “So my wife was right all along. Figures.” Pause. “Thank you, Jason. Seriously. This was rather embarrassing, but it could have been so much worse. You—Just... Thank you.”

“You are very welcome, sir.”

“Is there, uhm... Is there anything I can do for you? Like, do you guys have customer support evaluation or anything like that, where I can give you specifically two thumbs up and commend you for your exceptional service or something? Get you that promotion? Because I think you deserve it.”

“Ah, no. Honeysuckle doesn’t have any of that. With three people a month who actually make it through the phone menu, I guess they thought it wasn’t worth it.” Pause. “But before you go, you can do me a small favor, though. It’s... uhm. A bit awkward, I guess.”


“... Can you... uhm. Can you say ‘harder’ for me again? Like... Like you said it before?”

“Uh, harder?”

“Yeah. But not like a question... I mean... Yeah. This is probably weird. Sorry.”

“... Uhm. No, that’s... Okay. Right now? Uh, okay.” A throat clears. “...Harder.

Silence. A breath. “Thank you, Eric. Have a nice day.”

The line goes dead.

A click. A recording comes on.

A throat clears. ‘Harder.’



A throat clears.‘Harder.’

“Oh... fuck.


That was weird, I know ^^ I hope you liked it regardless! Xo cydia