The Sex Workshop
Hi, we’re Bud & Kay. We’ve been married for many years and, now that the kids are out of the house, we have found the extra time to get reacquainted and are spending a lot more time with each other. Work and careers are now less demanding and the time and expenses devoted to our children are behind us for the most part. It’s truly amazing what zero college bills and minimal subsidies do for your cash flow! We can devote our energies and time inwardly even as we can build up our retirement portfolios. This really is becoming a great chapter of our lives. We can enjoy our hobbies, our times together and take those dreamed of trips we could not afford before. We now can enjoy the gifts of time and each other.
Bud – After the last college bills and the weddings were paid off, we started focusing on each other. It’s embarrassing to say but I rediscovered that my wife is a wonderful and beautiful woman. I’d missed our meaningful conversations. I’d missed the way we dated and planned romantic evenings and weekends. I’d missed treating her like the lovely, erotic babe that she still is. I was even eager to cut down my golf habit and time in the woodworking shop to spend unfocused, “unproductive” time just with her. The truth is that I was falling more deeply in love with her and rediscovering what she possessed to inspire my passions and desires to please her in every way. But also true was that our lovemaking skills and repertoire had become routines, predictable scenarios and, because we were out of practice, less energetic and imaginative. I’m like a lot of men who have been married for a long time in that frankly personal communications about sex had diminished. We’d somehow lost that transparency between us. The sexual fantasies and desires I had never voiced became harder to openly talk about as comfortable routines settled in. Were we afraid of personal risks or embarrassing ourselves? But, as we enjoyed our more complete marriage in most ways, our sex life was in a rut – almost boring at times. I came to the conclusion we needed some outside expert help. After all, what was more important than our marriage? Kay was still lovely, still sexy and still interested in sex but together we were more like water coming to a boil slowly instead of the fireworks of yore.
Kay – It was energizing and fun when the kids left after college graduations and became fully involved in their own lives. We had more time, more energy and a lot more cash. Bud was still the man who could make my nipples pucker and cause deep feelings of raw desire within me. He surprised me by reducing his golf addiction and planning date nights and romantic weekends. He was still strong and within 10 lb. of his college weight. He was still a big-time catch. Yet, frequently, our sex life was somewhat stale, fulfilling but not thrilling. It was often too predictable. But, for me, it was hard to verbalize what needed improvement and what I might want that wasn’t happening. I was an only child raised by conservative parents. I fulfilled their expectations by being a good girl and an exceptional student. I avoided potentially risky situations in college and dated serious, conservative guys. When I met Bud, I knew he was the one; three years later we were married. He was also a serious, risk-avoiding man. We laughed about it later but after we were engaged, we bought and read together a ‘sex manual’ so that we could (sort of) prepare for our wedding night. The manual was only somewhat helpful!
Though it was very difficult and frustrating to maintain while we were dating, we shared our first night as virgins. However, all that pent up desire created an almost non-stop triple-header for us on our wedding night. Bud complained that he had a constant hard-on for four hours before we finally collapsed about 1 am. My whole body was so primed for sex that even my deflowering barely hurt. Rounds two and three both brought me wonderful orgasms; I never dreamed they could feel so good. During our honeymoon I sometimes wondered how I was going to live given that I wanted to be in bed with him all the time. I think we both were glowing the next morning as we caught the plane for our honeymoon destination. (Those old memories occasionally come flooding back to me; I wanted to recapture those “wow” sexual trysts, when our bodies violently convulsed together and we shouted each others’ names.)
Bud – So we had an issue that affected both of us and had been around for a while. As the well-educated problem-solvers we are, we tried some things. We tried out the ‘Sex Diet’ program – for a while. It has some good ideas like scheduling sex, swapping who plans sex and who initiates sex and using some props and different scenarios to create suspense and expand the sexual skills of both partners. But, after trying it, we found many of the scenarios too ‘over-cooked’. Maybe 30-somethings resonated with it more than the 50+/- crowd? We also tried a couple of sex games – fun for maybe a half dozen plays but, again, too orchestrated and often silly. Besides Kay is not much of a board game person. She’s good at bridge and trims my sails at gin rummy but she’s not a board game gal. Those ideas didn’t work. We also bought a couple of books that, supposedly, would enhance our most intimate communications but they were abandoned per lack of good feedback or helpfulness.
Kay – Bud mentioned the games and books we tried. We just could not get past our intimate communication skills issues. I think that we were both very afraid to hurt the other as a desire for ‘whatever’ might be heard as a criticism. I think what happens with a small or medium sized problem is that it gets ignored or excused until it becomes a big problem. Sex and sexual communications were never a big problem for us but they started to become a nagging one – given we had more time and energy for each other and wanted the very best for each other.
Bud – Wandering through the internet I found and we researched a sex workshop for married couples – specifically focused for experienced couples. It was held at a resort in the mountains about a 3 hour drive away. It was led by two married couples; all four of them were licensed sex therapists, two were also practicing psychologists and the elder man was a psychiatrist – now specializing in sex therapy. They had lots of experience and a wealth of wisdom to share from former students and other therapists. It was a 3 ½ day, 3 night event. You stayed at a secluded resort; breakfasts and lunches were included. It started 9 am Wed. and concluded at noon on Sat.
Kay – Bud surprised me with the Sex Workshop idea. But, as anxious as I was to break the sexual communications logjam in our marriage, I agreed to do it. It sounded like a nice getaway no matter what the workshop was like.
Day 1, 9 am
Kay – I have to say that after the introductions of the four leaders, I was put at ease. They came across as folks just like us who had experienced most of the things we had and, in their private practices, had just about heard about any kind of sexual problem or issue. They were funny, humble and willing to admit to the problems they once had themselves and some they were still working on. After their self-introductions, we were invited to introduce ourselves (the participants had badges with only first names on them) on a first name only basis. Each could share a bit about why they were here and what they expected to gain from the workshop. They made it easy to become part of the group (about 12 couples as I recall).
Bud – It was cool that the counselors/sex educators kind of broke the ice after the introductions with an invitation to be informal and relaxed – including the use of colloquialisms for various body parts and descriptions of what occurs during sex. They kidded that even doctors sometimes use terms like pussy, cunt, slit, crack, twat, box, red bud, etc. for the female genitalia. Male terms like dick, prick, rod, cock, pecker, shaft, balls, rod, nuts, package, etc., were also given the OK – given that they were used lovingly and in a complimentary way between lovers. Additionally, it was fine to use the word asshole if you thought anus or rectum was too formal. We were also encouraged to give a pet name to our mates’ sex organs as terms of endearment and ownership. One of the great truisms they brought out was that most real problems with sex are not mechanical or physiological. Most problems occur because of selfishness. If you are a real lover, your partner is more important. Men ought to acknowledge their woman’s needs, desires and physiology and make a great effort to fulfill her – both physically and emotionally. Women need to do exactly the same for their men and when the relationship works on that basis, men need not fear the need to be ultra-macho or worry about being submissive on occasion to their mate’s desires. Women are also freed from the worry of being automatically dominated just because they are women and physically weaker. The speakers also reinforced the concept that about any non-harmful or safe activity in the bedroom between consenting adults is OK. Not everyone will enjoy every type of sexual challenge or activity but if both are willing to experiment a bit, the menu for mutual pleasure is going to be larger than it once was.
Day 1, 1 pm
Kay – The first activity after lunch was to pair off and spend a half hour touching and talking about a part of the body that was not normally thought of as an erogenous zone. Anything about the head, neck, arms… was fair game. Then, after the first half hour, those touched (the women were first) described what they felt and experienced – both from the touching and the words. The men were the subjects of the next half hour. They were funny!
Bud – It was fun to touch and describe Kay’s neck to her. A half hour is a long time to touch, caress and talk about a neck but it can be done. The women described what they felt and how the words made them feel. A lot of the men were surprised that the women felt so much from kind, light and appreciative touching. The guys, on the other hand including myself, made some jokes about it covering up their embarrassment for enjoying the non-sexual touching and caresses. The wives were generally more open and descriptive. During the class exercise, Kay had chosen to touch, caress and compliment my hands. This was a very intimate experience. I was surprised and I know Kay also liked the class exercise.
Kay – The homework for the evening was interesting to say the least. We were to do the same exercise with our partners but the men had to choose between her breasts and pussy. The women got to choose between his ass and his cock & balls. The instructors’ admonition was that, for tonight, we refrain from sexual penetration and absorb the feelings of sexual touching and the accompanying words of description and praise. Bud knows that my nipples are hard-wired to my clit so, as expected he conducted his half hour on my breasts and didn’t overdo playing with my nipples. For the first time in a long time, I fully heard and appreciated his desire and love for my breasts (to me 36 C, nothing spectacular) and his promises of what he would do to them, for them and for me as he stroked, caressed and fondled me. It was thrilling to hear his non-stop compliments and vivid descriptions – especially because I knew he was telling me the truth about what he saw and felt. I almost demanded that he started playing with my labia and clit as a prelude to a thundering climax but I followed the program. I was visibly tingling when the half hour was over.
Bud – I really enjoyed my thorough and descriptive journey across her chest. My hands desperately wanted to get this hot babe into the red zone and I told her that. She told me to turn on my stomach and spread my legs apart. Further apart! Kay then started her descriptive sojourn across first one ass cheek then another. A couple of times she asked me to tighten up like I was exercising or cumming hard inside her. I ride bicycles a lot these days to keep in shape and my ‘glutes’ are strong and she likes them that way. I thought she was about through and then she started some gently caresses down my crack and close to my anus. I had no idea what she’d do but I tried to relax and go with it. She played with my inner thighs describing what she felt and how she liked what she was doing as we went. Then she cautiously ran some light circles around my hole and it was, surprisingly, delightful. She mentioned that she had touched herself there and found it to be interesting. Although, she did not attempt to give me the world’s best ass massage, I felt great and aroused big time when her half hour was over. Because we’d both used some water-based lubricant, we decided to cool down by individual showers and get some sleep. Tomorrow’s exercises were going to be even more interesting.
Kay – I was sexually energized but if we were going to get the best from the next three days, we needed to be more than zombies. It was past 11:30 already and breakfast was from 7:45-8:45 with another class starting at 9.
Day 2, breakfast
Bud – At breakfast we agreed that further celibacy for this workshop was definitely OUT. Tonight, we’d have sex of some sort! Even routine sex is better than no sex. We did discuss some things we learned last night just by touching and the verbalizations of what we saw, felt and how it affected us. After another cup of coffee, I was ready for day #2.
Kay – It was a different feeling waking up this morning. No, I was not sexually sated or even a bit sore between my thighs but nice and exciting in a different way. I’m certain that, even after all these years, we know more about each other and our bodies than we did just yesterday. Progress!
Day 2, 9 am
Bud - The morning was spent most having the participants describe their homework experiences. We all had to get past the barrier of describing ‘sex play’ to strangers and how it felt for both but… What was interesting to me was to hear the various different accounts of what breast & nipple play was to the couples. Definitely all people are wired differently. One woman admitted that she could readily have orgasms from just a minute or two of nipple play. One man was bowled over by his wife’s extravagant compliments about his cock and balls; it seemed she really thought they were beyond wonderful. I thought to myself ‘their marriage is going to get hotter’. I also was unaware that many women really admire tight butts and how they look and feel as their men thrust into them. We were somewhat cautious, but honest about our evening’s homework but some of the folks were very open and explicit.
Kay – My nipples are also pretty sensitive and erotic but a couple of minutes of nipple play doesn’t get my body into the throes of orgasmic delight. (I suspect that the woman with superhot nipples is very careful about selecting bras that don’t rub or chafe.) Before last night I thought the homework would be a bit routine for us but I was wrong. It was a great learning experience for us all. And, what’s neat is that the instructors do the “homework” too and related some of what they experienced. My stomach got growly and, behold, it was 10:45 and time for a Danish and cup of coffee. Bud also snarfed down some pastries with his coffee.
Bud - The morning closed with some show & tells. What the instructors trotted out was carefully put into context. They wanted everyone to know that toys and sexual aids are sometimes useful and sometimes add some spice to routine sex menus. They also showed several types and styles of condoms. Obviously condoms should be used for couples with unknown sex histories and/or fertile couples to prevent conception. For many couples middle-aged or older, personal lubricants can often enhance the enjoyments of massages and penetration. (We had tried out several in recent years beyond massage oils.) Toys also can add to the fun. But anything beyond what the couples lovingly bring together in lovemaking should be utilized as needed and not as a substitute. Some women can become dependent on vibrators. The instructors also warned against regular use of hard core porn within a couple’s love life. Men can get addicted to porn which can lead to erectile and orgasm dysfunctions. Porn often grossly mischaracterizes what pleases women and how they should act.\
The instructors did recommend occasional viewing of classy R rated movies to get the juices flowing. They handed out a list of their favorites which included several favorites of ours as well as some titles we hadn’t seen. As long as both enjoy a hot movie from time to time, there was nothing wrong with them.
Kay – I had no idea how many shapes and styles were out there in the sex toy market. Also, per the three types of lubricants (oil-based, silicone, water) there were lots of choices. ‘Use only water-based lube if you use condoms’ was emphasized. Also warned against were lubes containing glycerin or sperm killers – as they can lead to yeast infections. The flavored lubes are water-based but beware; some of them taste pretty bad. They offered all of us sample sizes of a dozen or more lubes and, if we wanted, we could grab a sample of the condoms they displayed. After a few more questions and answers, it was lunch time. Bud and I kidded about what flavor we were going to taste like soon. I thought chocolate would be OK; he seemed partial to coconut.
Day 2, 1 pm
Bud - After lunch, the groups were split up by gender for a couple of hours and the subjects were erotic caresses, masturbation and oral sex. Each session was led by a couples team. On display for the men were soft rubber, realistic models of the female genitalia and the breast. (I assumed the gals had models of cocks & balls.) The session went as follows: short videos of various caresses of a woman’s breast and kissing a breast; the guys would then take turn practicing and trying out some of the caressing techniques on the model. For obvious health concerns, no kissing or licking was allowed. (We had donned thin examination gloves to keep the models clean and not spread germs.) Next up were videos of caressing techniques and masturbation to orgasm techniques – followed by hands-on practice. Then we saw videos of oral sex techniques and variations (without practicing on the models). It made some of guys nervous when they caressed and stroked the rubber genitalia but we all got through it and most of us learned a few things. The instructors noted that what was important was that there are several ways to arouse and please a woman and that you should try different ones and get her feedback; then you can mostly use her favorites. It was also emphasized that no two women react the same way sexually so keep experimenting and listen to her voice and body for feedback.
Kay – The video & hands-on practice with models was a bit intimidating at first. Some of the gals were not much into erotic caresses and masturbation of their mates. The others were also watching us! One thing that surprised me a bit is that many men would prefer a “handjob” to a “blowjob” if the object was to arouse the man to orgasm. I learned that many women think a man always masturbates hard & fast. But, it was explained that a teen-aged boy often didn’t have much time to get off before maybe a parent or sibling would figure out what was going on. Therefore, speed became a key aspect of masturbating. The instructors assured us that married men often like a go-slow approach at first using enough lube to avoid chafing. The men also loved it when their wives took their time obviously enjoying what they were doing and the pleasure it brought their man. Making eye contact is very stimulating! When a man gets near a climax, a faster stroke with more pressure is often welcomed. But, be aware of the feedback you’re getting. As for a man’s balls, they react differently from time to time and per ambient temperature. If it’s hot they hang down; if it’s cold they snug up. Before an erection gets firm, the balls can be caressed lightly, teasingly when they are still hanging loose. As a man nears orgasm, often his balls are drawn close to his abdomen and are less open to caresses though some light scratches sometime adds excitement. As for the ‘holy grail’ for many men – ‘the blowjob’, there were several suggestions to try: licking and gentle sucking of the head of the penis, long stokes up & down, using hands and your mouth at the same time… If you want his cock in your mouth, take it slow and ensure you can control any gag reflexes. Again, using long, wet, smooth strokes are usually more sensual. If you both decide to have him cum in your mouth, you need to decide in advance what to do with the ejaculate. It has a taste of sorts – dependent on the man and his diet. It’s OK to swallow it and clean up his cock with your mouth. It is also OK for you to have a small towel handy to absorb the ejaculate and not swallow. Let him know in advance so that whatever you choose doesn’t affect his assurance that you love his body. This session left me with some ideas to add to our sexual repertoire.
Day 2, 3 pm
Bud – After the segregated sessions and a break, we got back together as a group. There were some muted conversations and some giggles before we started. Kay was just smiling. The last segment for the day was to do Q & A to clear up any confusion, questions and share comments from those brave enough to speak out. At this point, the couples were mostly casual friends already so it got easier to ask or comment about lovemaking and explicit aspects of sex.
Kay – Bud and I felt fortunate that most of the things discussed we were familiar or had tried once. We both knew that we still had some attitudes and conservative barriers to overcome but we were energetic and committed to expand and appreciate more our lives as lovers.
Bud – It was past 4:30 and, as yet, we did not have a homework assignment. On cue, it was presented forthwith: The man (the woman gets pleasured first) was to erotically stimulate her breasts and then, per her choice, masturbate her or perform oral sex on her (Yes, the instructors did occasionally use the terms cunnilingus and fellatio but…). Per her wishes he could use both his hands and his mouth to bring her to orgasm. After her orgasm, she was to erotically stimulate his chest area and then, per his wishes, perform a handjob or blowjob on him. (We’re going to have a good time tonight I thought to myself.)
Kay – As much as I enjoy the feeling of being filled and fucked by Bud’s cock, I was looking forward to our homework. The extra twist the instructors added were small note cards to be filled out by the recipient and exchanged at bedtime – just to add a bit of anticipation to the evening to come. (I put down oral sex knowing that Bud had probably learned a few new things today.)
Bud – I was hungry and thinking about a medium-rare ribeye or sirloin tonight – as my first course. Kay was going to be my wonderful dessert. I decided to choose the handjob. To me they are as erotic and intimate as a blowjob plus you get to look into each other’s eyes and share the joy more openly.
Day 2, homework
Bud – We had a great meal together with a good red wine. I opted for the smaller steak and skipped the temptation for the key lime pie. A dark roast coffee after the meal tasted great and I knew I’d need all the energy I could muster tonight.
Kay – We actually were a bit nervous about what was about to happen. Our usual lovemaking is just go with the flow and often predictable. We rarely plan ahead. I skipped my usual chocolate dessert and felt energized for what was next. It’s amazing and a bit funny that the chit-chat at dinner was about everything but sex. When we got back to our room, we swapped cards. We gently and lovingly undressed each other and I laid down on my back for what Bud was going to do for me.
Bud – Kay may not have noticed but I had a full erection through most of the dinner and was definitely ‘at attention’ when she undressed me. After a few kisses and compliments, I was now ready to make love to her breasts. Using a little unscented massage oil I went to work on her twin lovelies. Sometime after I had caressed, squeezed, pulled, swirled and fondled her breasts I paid more attention to her lovely reddish-brown circles and her now erect and hard nipples. The combinations of nips, kisses, twirls, pushes and pulls on her nipples were making Kay writhe like she was troubled – but she was just riding the great sexual buildup within her. Reading her body language and then her plea, I started my oral journey though her garden of delights. Her pussy odor was a mix of her natural scent plus just a hint of vanilla cologne. I couldn’t keep my lips and tongue away from her. I used all my old tricks and some new techniques to get her very close to orgasm. Then I introduced 2 fingers into her engorged, pulsating core. I’m pretty sure I could have measured her pulse by feeling her pussy; she was hot. She then guided my head and instructed me to focus on her clit. A couple of minutes later, her whole body was convulsing as though she’d plugged herself into an electrical socket. She yelled, “Bud”, “Oh my God”, “Bud”, “I love you”… I was impressed and glad the rooms were soundproof. For about a minute, she had a serious and tortured visage – almost like she was in great pain. After her orgasmic spasms subsided, her face lit up with a big smile on it. As we both wound down from her high, she gave me a great compliment, “If I had known how great oral sex could be before marriage, we’d never have gone to the altar as virgins.”
Kay – After what Bud had just done for me, I was on the spot to be the greatest lover I could be. Women who have not had great oral sex are, IMHO, a deprived class of humanity. Bud now has raised the bar for him and me. Our sexual world is bigger and better! When Bud selected handjob instead of blowjob he surprised me a bit. He openly told me that he loves both kinds of attention but, if it’s HJ or BJ, he’ll opt for HJ. He also reminded me that the undisputed #1 for him is burying his penis in my vagina and fucking me as hard and fast as I want him to. I’m definitely OK with that!
So now, after a glass of cold water for both of us, Bud is now laying down with his neck and head comfortably leaning back on the headboard. I notice I don’t have to arouse him but I do spend the time with a few kisses and terms of endearment before I start caressing his neck, chest and stomach. Bud obviously enjoys my light touches and gentle scratching. He likes to be caressed slowly and a bit teasingly. I also note (which Bud affirmed) that caressing his nipples offers no erotic feedback to him. They’re nerve-challenged, he joked. When I was pretty sure he was ready for me to focus on his manhood, I put some water based lube in my hands and started my journey of exploration and his journey of pleasure. His balls had already snugged up a bit – even with his mostly hard erection. I scratched them lightly and cupped them tenderly. They produce the T and the sperm which make my man a real man and I honor his body for the pleasure it always wants to give me. Then, before any serious caresses or strokes, I felt down below his balls to the perineum area – loaded with pleasure sensors. Bud once told me that by pressing that area near an orgasm will often enhance an orgasm. I’d already decided that despite the menu order HJ, I will kiss and lick him just a bit – as a compliment. After relubing my hands, Bud knows what is coming. I finally start a pretty slow process to stroke, caress and gently squeeze his shaft. With my well-lubed hands I now can apply more pressure and I continue and, when he wants it, more speed. We are positioned so that he can watch me and, when I look up, we look into each other’s eyes share the wonder of sex in our brains as well as our bodies. I cannot always show my man how much I love him but I’m going to try my best tonight. After some easy and slow strokes, he signals me that faster and harder would be OK. After he’s been erect for so long, he’s going to feel great (and relieved) soon. A rocket orgasm will fix everything. And that’s what happened. With not much warning his convulsive ejaculations started. Several white spurts jumped out of his cock several feet! His guttural yeses, wows and expressions of disbelief punctuated the quiet room. (We’ll need a shower for sure!) I suppose he ejaculated 8-10 times and was still oozing when I finally stopped stroking him. Wow is right! It was wow for both of us.
Day 3 – breakfast
Kay – I’m glad we set the alarm or we’d have never made breakfast. Despite the fact that our penis and vagina didn’t play together, we were both exhausted in a very nice way. Breakfast was good and we both were hungry and appreciated it. My pussy felt wonderful this morning and, in effect, asked, ‘Are we going to have more fun tonight?’ Today was our last full day and who knows what the instructors will surprise us with.
Bud – I was famished and enjoyed the hearty breakfast. Kay was absolutely glowing this morning – must be those endorphins! I felt very good as well. I imagined the discussions and feedback this morning will be fun to listen to and, maybe, add to our sexual knowledge base. After 2 plus days, we’re talking openly with near strangers about the most intimate aspects of our lives. That would be in ‘go figure’ category.
Day 3, 9 am
Kay – The feedback and discussions followed protocol – the ladies session would run for 45-50 minutes, then it would be the men’s turn. I hadn’t decided if I was going to share the comment I made to Bud last night when his lips and tongue gave me an unbelievable orgasm. I’ll see how it goes.
Bud – These feedback sessions would be a lot tougher if the women didn’t lead off. They are more open and daring discussing sexual issues and feelings than men are. (We’re better at football though!) J
Kay – A majority of the women chose oral sex over masturbation. Maybe it’s because they’ve had a lot less (none?) experience and wanted to try it. Most already are pretty good at masturbation but both women and men (I know for a fact) get more highly aroused and are more likely to have great orgasms per their partner instead of themselves. Bud has told me that, unless we’re apart more than a week or two, he doesn’t masturbate. My self-pleasuring is meager in its effects compared to Bud’s caresses. Not a surprise to me: Almost all of the women who got oral sex last night rated it 4 or 5 stars. A man must be patient and demonstrative that her genitalia is sexy, attractive and fun to play with. Even the woman with hyper-erotic nipples had the ride of her life last night from her husband eating her out. (We did not share my compliment to Bud about how good oral sex was for me.)
Bud – Most of the guys chose the BJ over the HJ. I get it. But, to me, it’s not quite as intimate, not as arousing and can present some issues to some women. Both, if done well, will blast you halfway to Mars. The other part of the men’s homework wasn’t talked about as much – erotic touching, caresses and kisses of the breasts/nipples. Both the women and the men who talked about erotic breast caresses and massages emphasized the importance and erotic power of breast and nipple play for women! (Sometime I’ll find out if Kay can have a whole body orgasm from just erotic caresses of her breasts and nipples.)
Day 3, 1 pm
Kay – This afternoon was devoted to fantasies: having them, wanting them, evaluating them, communicating fantasies with your partner, figuring out how to get some of them fulfilled and the role of fantasies within a healthy sex life. Every person in this Workshop admitted to having had them – starting, for most, at very young ages. OK, so they are ‘normal’ but now what? The instructors showed a list of some common fantasies that could come true depending on the couple: outdoor sex, making a sex video, getting tied up, getting blindfolded, spanking, sexy costumes and talking dirty in bed were some of ones mentioned. Also included on the list were some wild fantasies that could be considered by very daring couples; that would be not us. The instructors went through the process to deal with them personally and then to deal with them by sharing them (and what they may imply) with your partner.
Bud – That fantasies are common among adults is a no-brainer: the romance novels targeted for women and mostly written by women; the men’s magazines which feature impossibly idyllic young women cheerfully displaying all their assets; the porn industry which now panders to all genders of all persuasions. The instructors tried to get the point across that any fantasies which are actually possible (within the realm of physical agility and skills and a couple’s beliefs about the boundaries of sexuality) are best explored within the bounds of marriage or a committed relationship. Exploring fantasies expands the intimacy between a man and a woman and puts each of them in a very emotionally vulnerable state. Of course, sharing a bed has already made both vulnerable but adding a private, secret or even socially taboo fantasy to the mix makes both of them even more defenseless and open to each other.
Kay – The leaders tried to focus our thinking process about fantasies. (1) A fantasy that cannot take place should not be considered or discussed. (2) A fantasy that breaks a moral or religious code should also be tossed aside. (3) A fantasy that could physically injure or harm either participant shouldn’t be attempted. (4) A fantasy, even if a couple agree to try it, should be abandoned if either has misgivings about it. That still leaves the fantasy realm wide open with opportunities to add to or spice up a sex life without the risk of physical or emotional harm. The real trick (even for very open couples) is to talk about the fantasies that you might like to try (within reasonable constraints). If Bud came up and told me he had a fantasy about masturbating me on a plane ride, I’d be a bit shocked. Similarly, if Bud walked into the dining room with me naked on the table wanting him to pour chocolate sauce all over me and then lick it off, he’d probably think I’d had way too much wine. So, even if your fantasy has possibilities, talking about it has to be gentle and loving. The instructors guessed that maybe only 1% of the fantasies are ever acted out – but that’s still a lot of them.
Bud – Emphasized was that fantasies are like condiments to a good meal – a dash of salt or pepper, steak sauce, grated cheese on a salad, topping on a dessert… Fantasies usually will not become a main dish. Your communications should be gentle, uncritical and loving. Also, don’t ‘take ownership’ of a fantasy; it is merely a product of the imagination. A partner should feel free to nix the idea without any implications. Many of the fantasies described by one person won’t make the cut. Lack of appeal or sexiness and perhaps a practical reason not to are some reasons why many won’t make the cut.
Kay – We looked at their list of fantasies and, for us, many were on the ‘never’ list. But discussing them was advised to add to our sexual communications skills so we did discuss them. Because Bud and I are a partners based on TLC, anything that could cause pain or humiliation was out. The homework assignment was to plan a ‘fantasy evening’ that we both agreed to that might be outside of our usual sexual routines. We had about 90 minutes to come up with our “plan”. With plenty of space in the meeting room, all were able to spread out and have private conversations about what was going to happen that night.
Bud – I was starting to get aroused thinking about our “sex plan” for tonight. But, like the other couples, Kay and I started our assignment. I told Kay that it would be erotic if she sat on my face as I gave her oral sex. I also would like to penetrate her with both of us on the floor with two pillows under her hips going at it ‘doggie style’. (We used rear entry maybe once/year as Kay really does enjoy missionary most of the time.) I also liked the idea of squirting whipped cream on her breasts and slowly licking it off. I also offered that one of us (alternately) being blindfolded during sex would be exciting for both of us.
Kay – I don’t have all that many sex fantasies and rarely share any of them so this exercise was going to be hard for me, but… Sometimes I have dreamed about Bud sitting on top of me while prone and slowly masturbating and, when he comes, it’s on my breasts and stomach. Then he slowly smoothes his cum all over me until I smell just like him. I think it would be fun to bind Bud’s wrists so he is helpless while I do whatever I want to do with him. When we have the opportunity to stay somewhere with a big bathtub, I enjoy sitting on top of him as we enjoy being joined; he never resists the chance to caress my breasts slowly as we are joined. It’s out of character for me but I have dreamed about him just waking me in the middle of the night and telling me he needs to fuck me right now.
Bud – These fantasies were discussed today, some for the very first time. I looked into her light blue eyes with wonder and knew again that I had yet to plumb the depths of this wonderful and erotic woman.
Kay – My heart was beating faster all afternoon. My husband still thinks I’m a terrific babe and wants to boldly explore more of where we can be. Planning for just one evening was difficult but, after some horse-trading we opted for: After the usual starting kisses and hugs: Whipped cream lick-off; Face-sitting for oral sex; Doggie style on the floor; Sitting on Bud in the bathtub. If our energy and old equipment held out, I might get 3 O’s tonight.
Bud – I looked at our sex fantasy plan for tonight and knew that it’d be a one beer evening meal for me. I wasn’t sure we could do the whole program but I was willing to try. Dinner that night was tinged with smiles, anticipation and some nervousness. But, we were going to give ourselves an A+ for our homework no matter what. (BTW, a kitchen staff member was glad to give me a can of Reddi-Whip – for desserts later I told him.)
Kay – I noted Bud had just a beer while I had 2 glasses of wine with dinner. He claimed he needed all he had to make the fantasy night come true. I had confidence in both of us. We skipped desserts though Bud reminded me that we had some Reddi-Whip, just in case.
Day 3, homework
Bud – When we got back to our room, we both had a buzz on. I checked to make sure the temperature was OK for Kay being naked (74 deg. F. is her magic number). We had a plan but we couldn’t predict how it was going to unfold. Certainly it was not going to be a half hour plus of vanilla sex ending with me on top. We slowly undressed each other. I was already hard and Kay was almost glowing. I didn’t think we’d need much lube tonight. Kay laid down on the bed and fantasy #1 was about ready to begin.
Kay – Obviously Bud was already aroused but I was too. My nipples already felt firm and I could tell that my pussy was getting wet. We had yet to kiss each other or hug. I guess we were demonstrating the power of a fantasy that we’d shared and planned to do. I laid down on the sheets which felt cold at first. But I knew that Bud would soon be warming me up. Out came the whipped cream and…
Bud – I was trying to make this fantasy somewhat classy in that I wouldn’t just spray her all over. For the most part, my spraying was pretty good. I made some nice peaks on her nipples, on her belly button and on her bare mound. I avoided getting it near her vagina because it is sugary and could lead to a yeast infection. I started my licking and tasting exercise with her belly button. She reported being ticklish but I continued on until the whipped cream was gone. Then I licked and ate the cream that was on her mound; after I licked all the cream off, I sneaked a few licks of the upper part of her pussy on/near her clit – a preview of coming attractions. I spent most of my time attempting artistic licking and eating off her breasts making sure that her nipples and areola were given the deluxe treatment they deserved. And, when my tour of ‘whip-creamed Kay’ was over, I rinsed her off with a warm wet washcloth and toweled her dry. She seemed to be well-pleased and displayed her 10,000 kilowatt smile.
Kay – I thought I was ready to be whip-creamed but whipped cream comes out pretty cold. Each time he sprayed a blob of it on me, I felt a short stab of cold. When the spraying was over, Bud’s tongue and mouth felt wondrous on me. He was tender and felt warm and wet. My belly button was ticklish a bit and I misguessed where he would start and finish. He usually goes top to bottom but not tonight. After his slurping and licking were done, the warm cloth felt good as did the towel to dry me. I can recommend this delightful fantasy to all women and maybe the men out there would find it equally as pleasurable.
Bud – We exchanged some feedback about this and were pleased that both of us felt this to be a sexy, unique way to begin a night of pleasure. Kay’s face-sitting fantasy was next up. Of course many couples have experienced all of the fantasies we’d planned for this evening, but, for a middle-aged conservative couple, we were exploring some nuances we’d not done before. I laid on my back and waited for Kay to position herself. We were a little concerned about me breathing OK and, I think Kay felt extra vulnerable knowing her pussy was going to be in direct, constant, heavy contact with my mouth until she wanted to stop.
Kay – There he was, flat on his back without pillows. Here I was, about to squash my husband and maybe suffocate him. OK, the last part is a joke but we’d never tried it. I worked up to his head and, after some slight repositioning, my pussy was ‘right there’. As he started to kiss, tongue and suck the various parts of my aroused vulva, the magic began to build. Bud occasionally used his hands to move me a bit forward or a bit back so that he could caress my pussy from top to bottom. He included the perineum area between my vagina and my anus – which is a very erogenous place. Sometimes he would also caress my breasts and nipples adding to the erotic overload into my brain. I honestly don’t know how long he ate me out with me on top of him but it was long enough. My juices really started running and I know Bud’s mouth and face were now soaked. He again tweaked, twisted and pulled my nipples and he focused more on my clit. Then after tonguing me in circles almost driving me crazy, he sucked my clit with a pulsing rhythm in and out, in and out. Adding that to his wonderful caresses of my breasts and nipples it was just a matter of seconds before I exploded. And I did explode!
Bud – It’s hard to say who is in control in this fantasy. I could move Kay back and forth, change tongue and mouth motions and add some gentle sucking to the mix. Even though I was in control of caressing her breasts to add to her erotic feelings, Kay still had (and used) the ability to move, back and forth, up and down and effectively increase or lessen the pressure on her most sensitive parts. After a minute or two, she did just that. The last couple of minutes, she was loud, demanding and encouraging with her voice as well. In a social setting you would have guessed her to be a bossy bitch who had consumed too much wine. I did not argue with her; if she wanted something, more or less or faster or slower, I tried to fulfill her wish. When she got to the point where her orgasm was inevitable, I continued what I was doing, hard & fast. Her pussy was almost gushing her special juice and her orgasm was almost violent.
Kay – After a moment of just enjoying the glow, I slowly got off Bud and cuddled up next to him. I kissed him for a long time. It was erotic to kiss the man who had given me this tremendous orgasm and it was interesting to taste myself – especially given his face was wet with my juices. I guess I’ll have a new attitude about tasting and swallowing his semen the next time I return the favor. I got up and did a quick wipe down. Bud also got up and washed his face though he said he enjoyed the ‘flavor of the month’. Bud also claimed I was loud during my orgasm and that may be true but my focus was not on my vocal cords.
Bud – Kay said it was time for #3 and my swollen cock agreed. So we put some blankets on the soft, carpeted floor and took three pillows – one for Kay’s head and two to elevate her hips for our doggie-style coupling. Kay insisted that she was still aroused and might be orgasmic soon but wanted my cock in her pussy now pumping hard and fast and a big orgasm for me.
Kay – I felt tingly and thought that some hard and fast cock strokes would be just the thing for my G spot. My G spot is a medium zone – arousing but not often by itself orgasmic. I do get vaginal orgasms fairly often but they are from G spot and other hot spots being pummeled by my husband’s eager and strong 7 incher. If we are not too tired, Bud will often succeed in getting me off twice in a session – one from oral or masturbating and another from fucking.
Bud – I knew she was wet but I dabbed a bit of lube on my cock to insure a slick entry and smooth stroking. She was still and I slowly entered her. It was easy to get as far inside as my cock would allow. What I wanted was a fast & furious fuck. What I chose was slow and easy at first until her wonderful vulva sent her brain the “right now” message. I restrained myself – barely. Her feedback told me loud and clear that being taken from behind was erotic and met a primal need within her. I invited her to caress her clit while I stroked in and out and she did so for maybe 15 seconds. I thought her vagina and its myriad of hot spots was going to be able to create an orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation and I was right. She demanded faster and harder and I gave her all I had. She suddenly bucked and jumped underneath me as she groaned and gasped for air. My cock exploded at about the same time and I was yelling wow, I love you Kay, etc. I continued stroking until she calmed down and my erection finally subsided a bit. I disengaged, turned her on her back and gave my sweetheart a total body embrace.
Kay – Being taken from behind seems a bit ‘animalistic’ or primal. But it is a very erotic experience – especially when done so that the woman can get off either before or during rear-entry coupling. It’d be degrading and unloving if Bud just jumped me, turned me over, plunged inside and stroked for a couple of minutes until he came and withdrew. Bud always seems to keep my pleasure on the front burner and that works well for us – especially since my fuse is longer and burns slower.
Bud – I really loved taking Kay from behind as a willing, loving, wanting woman. We made our doggie-style a pleasure tour for two – as it should be. Kay told me that her G spot really gave her an unexpected buzz when I was stroking hard and fast. I know that I had a thumping, strong orgasm which didn’t leave much in me – semen or energy! Wow!
Kay – I wasn’t sure if we could do the last part of our fantasy plan but since we needed to clean up before bed, we might as well do a bath together; it was a big, whirlpool tub after all. While I got up and started drawing a bath (including some bubble bath salts), Bud called room service and ordered two chocolate desserts and a pot of coffee. Fifteen minutes later, we were enjoying our desserts (with whipped cream of course) and the coffee. We polished off the desserts and took the coffee into the bathroom. The tub was nearly full of bubbly hot water.
Bud - After Kay got the temperature right, we slowly eased our way into the hot & sudsy water. I washed her gently from face to toes (with some special attention to her nooks & crannies). Kay returned the favor making sure my package had been carefully and gently bathed. Then Kay slowly and gently sat down on my mostly hard cock. As soon as my cock felt her opening, it came to full attention and she slowly sat down on it as deep as we could make it. We just sat there, face-to-face, smiling. Then I gently started caressing her breasts and nipples and that got both of us revved up. I sneaked a few strokes of her clit (that I could barely reach) and she responded by moving up and down on my cock. At this point I still wasn’t sure that Kay or I could cum again. But it was enjoyable so we slowly continued.
Kay – Even after 2 orgasms, my vulva wasn’t comatose. Though the feelings were not as sharp or urgent as before, they were still there and, perhaps, still building. Anyway, the tub sharing and underwater coupling was so intimate and sexy we enjoyed it immensely.
Bud - After another few minutes, Kay added a bit of hot water to keep the temperature near lobster cooking level. I deduced that Kay wanted to go for broke – rather than just getting out, toweling off and collapsing into bed. The last two were givens but I wasn’t so sure about the first part. So I asked her directly, “Do you want me to stroke faster?” She did.
Kay – When Bud asked, I decided that I also was going to give it my best effort so I added to Bud’s stroking by moving with him. For a minute, I was concerned that we might flood the bathroom but the waves we made stayed mostly in the tub. Then I felt Bud starting to convulse and he came. It wasn’t as dramatic as before but it was definitely an orgasm. I was pretty close myself and Bud was able to stroke a bit more but he was deflating pretty fast.
Bud – I surprised myself by coming again – despite the hot water and a great orgasm just a while ago. Kay was very aroused but still a ways from her orgasm so I continued stroking until my cock softened. Then, I withdrew and gently but insistently masturbated her to orgasm. This time her orgasm seemed to be more like rolling waves - compared to the convulsions she sometimes enjoys. She described this orgasm as “warm chocolate slowly being poured over me”. (Her description!) She admitted she wasn’t sure that her body could respond again.
Kay - I thanked Bud profusely for giving me 3 orgasms in one evening; it’s happened maybe 10 times in our entire marriage. After we toweled off, I gave him a whole body embrace just before we collapsed into bed. A night to remember!
Bud – I’m delighted whenever I have an orgasm with my hot babe; tonight she gave me two. I keep telling her that my cock is wiser than I am, it always knows when the beautiful erotic babe is near – especially if she is naked! I did set the alarm!
Day 4, breakfast
Bud – We were exhausted but sported cock-eyed smiles on our faces at breakfast this morning. I was famished and had as big a breakfast as the buffet would allow. It looked like I hadn’t eaten for three days! Kay was glowing; I probably looked like a street bum. What we had done last night was simply beyond what we could have expected and far more intimate and erotic than what we’ve been used to recently. I mentioned that, of course, we could not do this every night or we’d be DOA due to a major organ failure.
Kay – This day and all the days to follow were going to be different because of what we did last night and this week. We are emotionally, romantically and physically closer than we’ve ever been. We can talk about a lot of stuff now that we usually put off or ignored. Whatever the fees for this week were are definitely worth it. Bud is now an improved model of the Major Stud he always was and Bud says my ‘Babe coefficient” is now off the charts.
Bud – We wondered what the wrap-up was going to sound like – given the fantasy evening homework assignment. I grabbed a to-go cup of coffee as we were about to find out.
Kay – Bud noted that the sharing this morning could be really fun or really embarrassing or who knows. We agreed to share some of the basics but spare the details if asked.
Day 4, 9 am
Bud – The first half of the morning was devoted to ‘fantasy evening’ reports, comments and feedback. The ladies were first as usual. The instructors occasionally asked questions like, “How did that feel?”, “How did your experience affect you?”, and “What did you learn about yourself or your lover?” The questions were probing but gentle. By getting people to go a bit beyond ‘just the facts’ allowed the experiences to be a learning tool for all of us. After a few minutes, the women started being very open about the fantasies they experienced. Offered were ways to improve the fantasy and to apply the fantasy to the other partner if possible.
Kay – The reports and feedback were all over the place. Some, like us, had great evenings of bliss founded on the unselfish desire to create pleasure for one’s partner. Some other couples had gotten off the track a bit and used fantasies as an excuse to do what they wanted to do. Some of the couples did some of the edgier stuff and seemed to really enjoy it. I finally raised my hand and briefly described my fantasy of having oral sex on Bud’s face. Luckily other women had done that and really liked it. (I didn’t describe how messy it can be when the juices really get flowing though.) I think the women were secretly relieved when their turn was over; the men were next.
Bud – I must say that our imaginations and fantasy lives don’t measure up to many of the couples participating. I enjoyed listening to Kay’s somewhat clinical description of face-sitting from her point of view. (I have a hunch that fantasy is a keeper!) But, not to chicken out, I did offer the fun of the whipped-cream licking and tasting and, for us, the novelty of doggie-style coupling. Likely many of the couples do doggie regularly. Luckily, I wasn’t asked a lot of questions by the instructors though one of the woman instructors did ask me how I felt taking my wife from behind. I told her, in essence, that it felt great for both of us and, no, it didn’t mean I think of my wife as a submissive partner in our love life.
Kay – At the 10:30 coffee break, there was a lot of extra buzzing about last night – between couples, between women and between men. When asked how many orgasms I had last night I offered that the entire evening felt like one long orgasm and very wonderful. The lady who asked told me that she had two – for the first time in ages. And, she was happy to relate that fact.
Bud – Over coffee, one guy kidded me that we’d pay big time for this workshop. The gals are going to expect and demand better lovers who talk more about sex with them and are willing to try new things. He added, jokingly, that his wife was going to wear him out. (Better to wear out, than rust out was my unspoken thought.)
Day 4, 10:45 am
Bud - The last topics to be covered were: sexual positions; developing and maintaining a good communications framework; follow-up after the workshop. One of the things the instructors agreed on was that the emphasis about positions for sexual penetration was way overdone. There are some good reasons to consider and try different positions but when they become gymnastics exercises or feats of strength or balance, it gets silly. They handed out a chart with 12 doable sex positions and what might influence the use of different positions. The basic considerations are: eroticism for women, eroticism for men, penetration depth. Men who are well-endowed or women who have shorter vaginas should opt for positions that limit the possibility of jarring impacts to the cervix during full thrusts. Some women get additional pleasure from penis-cervix pokes or pushes; many find them to be annoying or painful. Men who are less well-endowed and their lovers should opt for positions that enhance penetration and/or the feelings of penetration. Almost all women can accommodate narrow penises or wide ones and fully enjoy sexual penetration. The primary consideration for choosing a sexual position remains the pleasures that position can give to both lovers. That’s why, over time, many couples choose only a few positions to use. The Kama Sutra is a fun book to browse but most middle-agers (with maybe some extra pounds) cannot do or enjoy sex in contorted positions or ones requiring undue strength or endurance.
Kay – I browsed a wonderfully posed Kama Sutra volume once. The couples were exquisite and wonderfully posed. All the many positions had names. But, I wonder what tiny percentages of people who have looked at this book have actually done most of them. Were they on the gymnastics team? Bud and I would both be up for sessions with a chiropractor if we tried some of the crazier ones. The instructors reiterated that great sex starts and ends with the imagination. Great sex is not based one’s ability to be acrobatic and daring.
Kay – What was interesting to me was the discussion and handout about building a communications framework between two lovers. They offered suggestions and exercises we could use from time to time should we fall back into the ‘won’t talk about it’ mode. These looked practical and the instructors assured us they were distilled from a lot of “how-tos” that worked avoiding some of the pitfalls from those that haven’t worked.
Bud – The last item on the workshop agenda was follow-up. As part of the workshop fee, should you choose to do so, you can get your email on their list and you’ll get a ‘tip of the week’ and the ability to email a question to the staff that they will answer within 3 business days. This “subscription” will last for six months. They also handed out a lengthy list of qualified and certified sex therapists should problems occur that require personal attention. Maybe a couple or two in our group had far more serious sex and relationship problems than could be dealt with in a workshop format. For us, this workshop was a very good way to meet our needs.
Kay – Bud’s idea to come here was a great one. We learned a lot, had fun together and certainly became closer and more intimate as a couple.
Day 4, bedtime
Bud - After we got home and squared away the mail, phone messages and did the laundry we found ourselves exhausted. Unless Kay insisted, tonight was going to be a sleep only occasion.
Kay – Bud gave me a strange look before dinner so I told him up front that tonight I was going to bed early and sleep. Sleep only! Bud agreed. Our batteries were running low and, as was emphasized during the workshop, ‘Have sex when you both want it and when you want it for your lover.’ Sounds good to me – tomorrow?
(To be continued, but probably not recorded...)