It was a sight I'll never forget: a sea of giddy, swimsuit-clad Emory students gathering around a super sized white toilet in the middle of the grassy, sun-drenched expanse of McDonough Field. Onlookers, lured to the lawn by loud rock music throbbing from a sound system, watched in amused disbelief. It was late August- the end of freshman orientation week. I had just returned to campus to start my junior year at Emory University. I could tell something pretty wild was about to happen and I couldn't resist joining the crowd. As I drew closer, I realized that the toilet was actually a decorated dunking booth filled with thick, gloppy slime. Ew...gross. Were people actually going to be dunked into that?!
I found out from a girl standing next to me in the crowd that College Challenge had come to campus. It was some kind of crazy audience participation event which toured the country putting college students in outrageous situations. All episodes were broadcast on the internet. Today, all the freshmen had been asked to wear their Emory T-shirts in addition to the obligatory College Challenge dress code: swimsuits.
As I waited, the crowd seemed to be getting bigger, louder, and sillier by the minute, amid mounting anticipation. When College Challenge's young, hunky emcee, Josh Summers finally appeared, microphone in hand, an earsplitting cheer erupted.
"For our first challenge, we're looking for one brave freshman who would like to show off how much they've learned during orientation week." said Josh, after a brief introduction, his voice oozing a subtle, cocky irreverence.
Hands shot up across the crowd. For about ten seconds Josh surveyed all the possible choices, then made a selection.
"We're going to ask this lovely young woman to come forward."
The crowd cheered. A stunningly beautiful girl stepped forward, hesitantly, as if she couldn't believe she had actually been chosen. Short, shining chestnut-brown hair fell just above her shoulders. Dark brown eyes illuminated one of the most beautiful faces I had ever seen. She exuded an enticing combination of sweetness and vivaciousness. Her unforgettable smile would light up any room. As I drank in her beauty in these first seconds, I felt as if I already knew her.
Barefoot, she stepped onto a plastic tarp, giggling nervously. A soft, immaculate, white Emory T-shirt hung down to her smooth, well-shaped legs. She stood facing the crowd with a hint of apprehension.
"Tell us your name." commanded Josh, thrusting the microphone to her mouth.
"What's your hometown, Kristin?"
"Sweet...So tell us a little about yourself, Kristin. What are you going to be studying here at Emory?"
"I haven't really declared yet, but I'm probably going to be going into neuroscience and behavioral biology." she answered in a shy and slightly shaking voice.
"That's cool. What sorts of things do you like to do when you're not studying?"
"I play the flute...I really like to run, and I was also on the volleyball team in high school."
"Rad...So Kristin, you have absolutely no idea what you've volunteered to do today. Have you ever seen 'College Challenge' before? Do you know what sorts of things happen on our show?"
Giggling nervously, she admitted that she hadn't. A chorus of amused groans echoed throughout the crowd. Everyone seemed to be taking a perverse pleasure in the possible humiliation of this sweet, innocent girl.
Josh pulled the microphone back to his mouth:
"Today's event is called Flush a Freshman. Your challenge, Kristin, is pretty simple. It's to avoid getting flushed into our giant, gunk-filled toilet. We're going to ask you three trivia questions about Emory University. You will have ten seconds to come up with the correct answer. To avoid going into the toilet, all you have to do is get one question correct out of three. For each correct answer, we'll give you $100 in cash. Sounds pretty good, right? However, if you fail to correctly answer a question there's a slight penalty"
On cue, a metal baker's cart was wheeled out. On the cart were three massive, perfectly sculpted cream pies. The crowd cheered in delight. The expression on Kristin's face showed that she immediately understood where this was going. Laughing, she nervously shifted from one foot to another and quickly brushed a hand through her hair, as if instinctively preparing for the inevitable.
Josh seemed to be enjoying the situation:
"Emory has a 23% acceptance rate, so I'm guessing that you're pretty smart, Kristin. Would you like to take a guess on the penalty for a wrong answer?"
Looking shocked, Kristin hesitated, as if she was afraid to actually say the words.
"Do I get a pie thrown in my face?" she ventured, meekly. She started to laugh as the realization sank in. "Oh my God" she moaned.
"That's right, Kristin. Fail to come up with the answer in time and one of these beautiful cream pies will be going right in your face. We'll also allow members of the crowd to slime you with some additional messy ammunition. But all you have to do is provide the correct answer, and you stay completely clean. If the answer is right, you'll hear this sound:"
The sound of a ballpark organ playing the Charge! fanfare blasted through the sound system.
"If you FAIL to get the correct answer, you'll hear this sound:"
It was the last thing anyone expected to hear: a series of increasingly voluminous and obnoxious fart sounds followed by a pause. Then the disgusting climax: the sound of liquid diarrhea and a toilet flushing. Kristin succumbed to embarrassed giggles.
Josh asked if there were any volunteers who would be interested in punishing contestants for wrong answers. I thrust my hand into the air. My cock was awakening, roaring back to life after a four-day nap. It tingled and stiffened with a terrifying raw energy. The thought of throwing a pie in this beautiful girl's face filled me with horny excitement. All summer, I had fantasized about that one, special incoming freshman...the girl I knew was waiting for me. I had never imagined that I would meet her this way.
My heart thudded in my chest as I was chosen, along with five other guys. The whole set up felt barbaric and unchivalrous- six fairly muscular guys ganging up on a single female. A production assistant asked which one of us would like to throw the pies. I said I was up to the challenge.
"Don't be shy or polite. he instructed. Before Josh begins reading the question hold it up and aim it right in her face. If she gets it wrong, really let her have it."
Kristin shook with laughter as the other guys surrounded her, gleefully holding plastic bottles of dark red barbecue sauce.
"How are you feeling right now, Kristin?" asked Josh.
"Oh my God" she moaned, through giggles. "This is so sad! I just bought this shirt yesterday...It's going to get, like, totally ruined."
"Yeah, barbecue sauce does tend to leave stains." answered Josh, flippantly.
Slowly, I lifted the first pie. It was heavier than I had expected. I looked down at the heaping, sweet-smelling mound of thick whipped cream which all but covered a deep bottom layer of smooth, slightly quivering chocolate pudding. I imagined doing the unimaginable...pushing all of this into Kristin's face. It would be an unbelievable mess. Could I really bring myself to do this to such a beautiful girl?
I approached Kristin, holding the pie in one hand. She giggled, her body stiffening. Our eyes met and we held eye contact for what seemed like a divine eternity. Standing in front of her, I was aware that I held all the cards and she was the helpless victim. She was clearly apprehensive, yet she was willingly submitting to this indignity. I watched as she slowly pulled her gorgeous, short, dark hair into a neat ponytail in preparation. With that task completed, she dropped both arms loosely to her sides and waited. She attempted to project a facade of nonchalance, but I could tell that she found this brief moment of delay torturous.
"Hi...I'm Tim." I said, breaking the awkward silence. "I apologize in advance if I end up throwing this at you."
"Don't worry. It's OK." she giggled, overcome by the absurdity of the situation.
There was something sweet, innocent, even calming, in her good-natured response that attracted my attention. I was already in love. A TV camera closed in on us, like an alien invader. The crowd began to cheer. Pulling the microphone back to his mouth, Josh spoke slowly in a tone designed to heighten the drama:
"Kristin from Fairfax, Virginia...Are you ready for your first question?"
I raised the pie in aim. Laughing, she nervously shifted her feet and took another deep breath.
"Question number one: Emery University's motto is, 'Cor prudentis possidebit scientiam.' What does this latin phrase mean in English?"
Kristin immediately looked defeated. "Oh my God...I don't know."
As the seconds counted down she just stood and laughed, waiting in dutiful, resigned acceptance. The crowd let out an ear-splitting cheer as the first farts echoed through through the sound system. I gazed into the eyes of the beautiful girl in front of me for one more indulgent moment. Then...
SMACK! With one decisive push, I smashed the pie squarely into Kristin's face. It splattered violently in all directions. I watched gooey gobs of whipped cream and chocolate pudding ooze over the sides of the pie tin, accompanied by the sound of liquid diarrhea. I could feel her face on the other side of my hand. I smeared the pie up into her neat hair and wiped it down her pony tail. Her face was unrecognizable, replaced with a thick chocolate and whipped cream mask. A heavy avalanche of pie slid onto her T-shirt in thick clumps. Under the creamy mask, her mouth hung open in shock. What a way to introduce yourself to a hot girl, I thought.
I got out of the way just in time as barbecue sauce began to squirt from all directions with enthusiastic force. The crowd cheered as torrents hit Kristin's shirt, quickly turning bright white into deep red. Kristin thrust her shoulders into the air and looked as if she would like to crawl into a shell. Runny barbecue sauce hit her legs and squirted into her hair. One of the guys threw down his empty bottle of barbecue sauce, pulled out a pair of scissors and began to make a cut in Kristin's T shirt. To the delight of the crowd he tore and ripped the cloth.
When it was over, Kristin looked slightly dazed. She dripped with barbecue sauce and pie, her ruined shirt in tatters. It seemed unfair that this poor girl, who had only been on campus a few days, was being subjected to this. The crowd cheered as two carts containing monster-sized cans of Hershey's chocolate syrup were wheeled out.
"Oh my God...please...not in my hair!" protested Kristin through uncontrollable giggles.
Slowly, I lifted the second pie. Mounds of whipped cream covered a deep, sticky layer of cherry filling. I stood in front of Kristin and raised the pie in aim.
"Question number two." said Josh. "Emory is a private research university in Druid Hills, Georgia, which is part of Metropolitan Atlanta. What is the exact latitude and longitude for Druid Hills?"
Kristin didn't even attempt to answer. Ten seconds passed and then resonate farts erupted from the sound system. I smashed the second pie into Kristin's face, watching whipped cream and cherry filling ooze over the sides of the plate. The pie hit with a satisfying 'splat.' I rubbed it around for emphasis, enjoying the gooey, slippery sensation. I smeared it into her already goop-filled hair before stepping away.
As the crowd jeered, what was left of the Emory T-shirt, a proud, immaculate symbol of school spirit only moments before, was ripped off of Kristin. The first can of chocolate syrup was lifted over her head and slowly tipped. Black, sticky chocolate consumed Kristin, demolishing her hair, dripping onto her delicate shoulders and running into her sumptuous cleavage. Under layers of mess, Kristin flinched as she was splashed, violently, with chocolate. Those glorious breasts, the momentarily bright bikini top, the smooth, perfect legs...all were instantly erased and coated in black.
Kristin looked like a creature from a bad science fiction film. She stood, waiting in submissive acceptance, as ketchup and mustard and cans of Spaghetti-O's and baked beans were brought out for the final question. She was already so messy that it didn't seem to matter anymore. I lifted the third pie.
"I hate to tell you this, Kristin, but you kind of suck." said Josh, The crowd laughed. "This final question will determine if you suffer the ultimate punishment of getting flushed into the toilet...Luckily for you, this question is an easy one: What was Emory University's endowment in 1983?"
Ketchup and mustard immediately began to squirt. Engrossed by the spectacle, the crowd let out a collective groan as a can of Spaghetti-O's was dumped over Kristin's head. Then came baked beans. I pushed the pie into Kristin's ass where it stuck. The crowd began to chant, "FLUSH!...FLUSH!...FLUSH!" Kristin climbed onto the dunking booth seat as farts could be heard. Even covered in a disgusting mixture of food, her body was still sensuous and beautiful.
Josh pulled the microphone to his mouth and spoke in a disinterested, deadpan tone:
"Welcome to Emory, Kristin."
The lever was pulled and Kristin dropped into the tank, her body completely submerging under the slime, accompanied by the sound of liquid diarrhea. The delighted crowd cheered with riot-like intensity. The scene seemed to have a unique, and slightly twisted, mass appeal. Was it the shock value of watching a hot girl get treated this way? Was there something liberating about capping off freshman orientation week by watching a freshman get singled out and publicly humiliated?
Kristin slowly emerged from the tank, completely covered in thick slime from head to foot. With help, she stepped out, one foot at a time, taking care not to slip. She was led to the hose down area. Instinctively, I followed. I could hear Josh asking for the next volunteer. A moment later, a beautiful girl with long, curly auburn hair was standing in front of the crowd, shaking with laughter.
"Tell us your name and your hometown." commanded Josh.
"I'm Hannah. I'm from Greensboro, North Carolina."
I stood in front of Kristin holding a water hose.
"Are you OK?" I asked.
"Oh my God" she giggled. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever volunteered to do in my entire life! It was actually kind of fun, though. I've always wondered what it would be like to be in a food fight."
She let out a giggly gasp as the cold water hit her body. As I held the hose, she began cleaning the goop out of her hair.
"You look great, by the way." I said, grinning.
She rolled her eyes. "Did you have fun throwing pies in my face?" she asked, teasingly.
I watched as she pushed gunk off her cleavage. She seemed innocently unaware that every move she made was infused with erotic beauty. The sloppy mixture continued to dissolve and more smooth skin came into view. The crowd cheered as another victim dropped into the dunk tank. Hannah from Greensboro had just been flushed.
"So Kristin, I feel kind of bad about throwing pies at you. Could I make it up to you with dinner tonight?" I asked, courageously.
She looked at me for a second and smiled. "Yeah, that would be fun. I'm already getting kind of sick of the food at the campus dining center. Just no desert, please."