I suppose it’s because I don’t have anybody to lose that I have one hell of a problem understanding how anybody loses anybody. They’ll sit in the chair across from my desk and tell me how the person they lost track of was the best friend they ever had and they really want to find them again but they don’t have a goddamned clue about where the fuck they went.
Now, how in the hell do you lose somebody like that? It’s not like one day they’re standing there and then just disappear, well, unless you believe little gray aliens sucked them up in their people sucker-upper and took them off to their mother ship for a few rectal exams.
How did the fuck did that get started anyway, the thing with aliens looking up your ass? What would they expect to find up there besides what’s really there? Maybe they all have some weird fetish, fuck if I know, but it seems they’d have better places to stick their noses in. Never in my life have I had any desire to stick my nose up some woman’s ass. Her pussy, definitely, but not her ass. Well, sometimes my nose ends up in her ass if she’s on top of me, but that’s not because that’s where I put my nose. It’s because my nose is where she sat her ass.
People who have supposedly been taken by aliens and had probes shoved up their asses all describe aliens in pretty much the same way. They’re short little fuckers with big heads, big eyes, and skinny bodies. None of them are female. Well, they don’t seem to be female anyway. I mean, you never hear about a fucking alien with tits, so there must not be any female aliens. Of course, you never hear about aliens having a cock and balls either.
Maybe they’re both and don’t need to fuck to reproduce. Maybe it just happens, like, one day a little gray baby alien just pops out. I don’t know how the little fucker would pop out, though, unless there’s something to pop out of, but you never see an alien with a pussy. Since they never wear clothes in the pictures people draw of them, you’d think a pussy would be hard to hide.
I suppose aliens might all be male, and might keep their cocks and balls inside for safe keeping. I mean, getting up to light speed in a flying saucer would stretch your cock and balls more than a two-dollar hooker and probably hurt like hell. It would make sense if their cocks and balls were inside, like a duck’s. I always figured a duck’s cock was inside so it wouldn’t freeze off in winter. That’s a hell of a thought, isn’t it, you’re just walking around eating corn people throw on the ground for you and your cock freezes solid and then falls off?
Anyway, I’ve never understood why people just up and disappear. Usually when I find them, they had a reason to do that, and sometimes they’re not interested in going back. Sometimes the reason doesn’t even make sense. I’ve heard, “Every night it was the same old thing - ‘I’ll suck your cock and then you lick me and fuck me’ – when sometimes I just wanted to hold her”, “Her tits are too little”, and “He couldn’t understand that I like girls too”.
Those are all bullshit reasons, in my opinion. I mean, having my cock sucked isn’t my favorite thing in the whole world, but I wouldn’t fucking complain about it if I got to lick her pussy and then fuck her every night. I wouldn’t want to just hold her either. No man with a set of balls would actually want to do that unless it was gonna lead to the sucking, licking, and fucking later.
I like big tits on a woman, but after you turn fifty, you pretty much take what you can get, so I’m kinda starting to like little tits. They’re fun and sometimes big tits get in the way anyway.
As for that last one, why is it women just can’t come right out and fucking say what they want? That’s why we invented language – so people could say what they want. I mean, if she said, “You know, I like licking pussy as much as I like being fucked”, I sure as hell wouldn’t tell her she couldn’t. I’d just go out and buy one of those spy cams and hide it in the bedroom, and then tell her she should invite her girlfriend over more often.
Sometimes the reasons do make sense, like the woman who broke up with her boyfriend and then moved to a different state. When I found her, she said she wasn’t going back and she’d sue me if I told her ex-boyfriend where she was. To put it in her words,
“If you tell that little cocksucker where I live now, I’ll sue your fucking ass until you have to ask me before you can take a shit. I couldn’t feel his little dick in me and he always wanted me to blow him. Yeah, right, like I was supposed to like sucking on something the size of a hot dog. You think he’d do me the same favor? Hell no, he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t get his tongue anywhere near my pussy. The puny little bastard wouldn’t even finger me. Wish he had. His fingers were bigger than his dick.”
I thought that was pretty goddamned rude. I mean, it wasn’t like I’d asked to fuck her in the ass. I could have understood how that might piss her off, but all I did was find her and tell her her boyfriend wanted her to come back. The other thing was, once I did, I couldn’t figure out why the guy wanted her goddamned ass back in the first place.
Melba was no prize. Women classify their bodies like they’re fruit. There’s the apple, and the pear, the hourglass and the banana. Well, the hourglass isn’t a fruit but the rest are. Apples have big tits and little asses. Pears are the opposite with little tits and a big ass. Hourglass women have big tits and big asses, and bananas don’t have any tits or asses to speak of. My favorites are the hourglass women, but all women can all be hot. Well, I like my bananas to have at least some tits, but I wouldn’t kick any of them out of bed if I could get them there.
Melba didn’t really fit any of those. She was more like a dipper gourd. She wasn’t fat, well, except for her ass. She was skinny as a rail everywhere else. Like I said before, I don’t mind little tits. I do like a woman to have something more than nipples though, and it looked to me like that’s about all Melba had.
Now, Wilbur was no prize either. Wilbur was about five feet three and probably weighed in at something around three fifty, so maybe he figured she was the best he’d ever get. After seeing him and then seeing Melba, I had to wonder how they ever fucked in the first place. Unless his cock was about a foot and a half long, it’s no wonder Melba couldn’t feel it. Mine wouldn’t have made it much deeper than her ass cheeks.
Anyway, I don’t know how people lose each other. I’m glad they do though because that’s a lot of how I earn my living. That’s what I was starting to do with Chastity Meadows.
Chastity had walked into my office one afternoon, gave me a little smile, and asked if I ever found people who’d gone missing. I said I’d found several, and she sighed.
“Oh, I was hoping you’d say that. I want to find Maxine.”
I decided to get my fee out of the way first. Chastity was wearing pretty simple and really plain clothes, and I wasn’t sure she could afford me. I’m pretty cheap as PI’s go, but she was wearing regular jeans that were actually the dark blue that jeans are supposed to be and they didn’t have any holes. Her blouse was OK, but it was just a blouse with no lace or anything girly.
Most of the woman who come to my office have paid twice as much for their jeans as I pay for a bottle of Glenfiddich even though the jeans look like they’ve been run over by a Mac truck several times. They don’t wear cotton blouses either. They wear those tops that hug their tits and have sparkly shit all over them. Those cost was much as I pay for a carton of cigarettes.
I gave her my best smile.
“I’ll be happy to do that for you. My fee is three hundred a day with two days in advance.”
“Oh, thank goodness”, she said. “I was worried it would be more than that. I brought a thousand dollars with me if you can take travelers’s checks. I was afraid to go to an ATM to get the money so I went inside the bank and bought traveler’s checks. People get robbed at ATM’s all the time, you know.”
Well, I’d never heard of anyone in Nashville getting robbed at an ATM, but I suppose it has happened. Every other goddamned thing you can think of has. I told her traveler’s checks would be fine. She pulled out her book of checks, signed enough to pay me six hundred, and then handed them to me. I put them in my desk drawer and then picked up my notebook.
“OK, Miss. I need your name, address, and phone number. That’s so I know how to reach you when I find your person.”
“I’m Chastity Meadows, and my address is 2009 South Pinewood. All I have is a cell phone. Is that all right?”
“Yeah, that’s all a lot of people have anymore. What’s the number?”
She pulled out her cell phone and fished a small card out of a pocket on the case.
“I always forget, so I have to look. It’s 615-409-2233.”
I wrote all that down and then asked her for the name of the person she was looking for. Chastity grinned.
“Her name is Maxine.”
“OK, Maxine what?”
Chastity stopped grinning.
“I don’t know her last name. All I know is Maxine.”
I put down my pen.
“Uh…it’s gonna be a lot harder to find her if I don’t have her last name.”
“I was afraid you’d say that. That’s the same thing the other detective told me.”
“What other detective was that?”
“It was that big detective agency downtown on the second floor of the AT&T building, you know, that one they call the Batman building. He said they could look for her, but it would cost me about ten thousand dollars. He said you take cases like this sometimes, and if you did it, it wouldn’t cost me as much.”
Well, that would be Bret Peters. His agency doesn’t usually tell a potential client they don’t want the job. They just price themselves so high the client reconsiders. I can’t fault them for that. They’re more into tracking down employee fraud and stuff like that for corporations that can afford to pay their fees. I’m glad they exist, because I tend to pick up the business they don’t want.
“Well, it might still be possible to find your Maxine. Where did you meet her?”
Chastity wiggled in her chair a little. I liked that. She had a nice ass.
“Two months ago, I had a car accident. It wasn’t my fault, but my car didn’t have those side airbags things they say you need, so when the man hit the side of my car, I hit my head on the doorframe. It knocked me out so I don’t remember much until I woke up in the hospital. The doctor said they had stitched up my cut, but I had a concussion and I’d have to stay in the hospital for a few days so they could make sure it wasn’t something worse.
“The first night I was there, I woke up and a woman was standing beside my bed. She told me her name was Maxine and she came to see me and make sure I was all right. I thought she was a nurse. A little later I went back to sleep, and when I woke up the next morning, she was gone.
“I asked one of the nurses if there was a nurse on nights named Maxine and she said none that she knew of. I told her about waking up and seeing Maxine, and she said they’d been waking me up every two hours to make sure I wasn’t going into a coma, and I probably just thought one of them was the woman.
“Well, the next night, I woke up again, and there was Maxine by my bed. I asked her if she was a nurse and she said no, she just came back to make sure I got well.
“I know she was there because I talked to her for a long time about a lot of things. We’re a lot alike. Both our fathers were ministers and our mothers stayed home after we were born. We both liked to dress up in our mother’s clothes when we were little and we both liked the same kind of boys in high school.
“We are different in some ways though. I’m pretty shy, especially with men. Maxine told me she isn’t shy at all that way. She said…well, I probably shouldn’t tell you this.”
I told Chastity I needed to know everything she could remember about Maxine if I was going to have a chance at finding her.
Chastity took a deep breath.
“OK. Just don’t tell her I told you or she might be mad at me. Maxine said she likes men and tries to get them to pay attention to her. She said she wants to have men…well, you know.”
I stopped taking notes and asked Chastity which hospital she’d been in and if she could give me a description of Maxine.
“If you can give me a description, maybe I can find her on one of the social media sites. Most of the people post at least one picture. What I need is stuff like hairstyle and color, eye color, height, weight, stuff like that. I’ll also check the hospital to see if anybody remembers her. If they do, they might be able to give me a better description.”
Chastity said she was in Memorial, and all the lights except for a little nightlight were off so she couldn’t see Maxine very well, but she thought she was about her size and was pretty sure Maxine had really long, blonde hair. That would make Maxine about five six and somewhere between one twenty and one thirty.
Well, it wasn’t much to go on. I was about to tell Chastity that when she said, “Oh, I remember something else. Maxine has a southern accent. It’s not like most people’s accent. Hers is like you hear in movies about rednecks”.
I wrote, “redneck accent” on my note paper and then looked up at Chastity.
“Miss Meadows, do you really want to find this woman?”
“She was there every night I was in the hospital. I got pretty low by the end of the week because I was bored stiff and I don’t really have friends who’d come see me. My husband divorced me two years ago and my parents are both gone so they couldn’t come see me either. Maxine cheered me up. I want to thank her for that and maybe get to know her better.”
“OK. I can’t promise anything, but here’s what we’ll do. I have a couple friends who work at Memorial. I’ll ask them if they saw a woman who fits your description any time you were there. I’ll also spend a day looking through the social media sites. I’ll make copies of all the women named Maxine with long blonde hair, and then I’ll call you to come look at them. If I don’t find her by then, we’ll see if we can figure something else out.”
I kind of felt for her after she left my office. I could sort of understand why she didn’t have any friends. Chastity seemed like the type of woman who’d be a quiet little mouse around other people. You wouldn’t hear much out of her about anything, and might not even know she was there. That her parents were gone was sad too. I’d pegged Chastity at late thirties, early forties. That was too soon to lose your parents.
As for her husband divorcing her, I couldn’t understand that at all. Chastity seemed like a woman who’d be very loving with the right guy. She’d be one to bake cookies and always have dinner ready when you got home from work. She was a pretty woman as well. She wore her dark brown hair short and that made her look cute. Her tits and ass weren’t cute. They were pretty hot.
I shook the vision out of my head and drove over to Memorial.
Madge Freele is a woman I know at Memorial. Madge works the desk in the lobby, so if Maxine had been in the hospital every night for a week, Madge would have a record of that.
Madge is also a good looking blonde I helped once. She thought her husband was messing around with the woman next door. He wasn’t though. Mrs. Rhimes was as innocent as the day is long. Her nineteen year old daughter was home from college for the summer and Teresa was guilty as hell. It always happened on Wednesday afternoon.
Wednesday was the day Mrs. Rhimes went grocery shopping and left Teresa there by herself. Madge’s husband worked third shift at one of the factories in town, so he was home in the afternoons too, but Madge was at the hospital. I got the whole thing on video, twice.
Teresa would wait until her mother left and then walk out on their patio in a bikini. The first time I saw her do that, I figured she was just working on her tan. She already had a nice tan, and Teresa was a natural blonde, so that tan looked great.
Their house was built in an “L” and the patio was in the open part of the “L” and faced Madge’s house. Teresa sat her suntan lotion and cell phone on the table beside the chaise lounge and then sat down, reached up for the bottle, and started oiling up.
Now, just that made my cock stand up. I mean, I like older women, but Teresa’s tits were pretty big for a nineteen year old girl, and her bikini bottoms didn’t do much to cover her pussy once she’d spread her legs. Her pussy lips sort of peeked out the sides.
It quickly got worse, well, worse for me because I had to rearrange my cock so it didn’t hurt. There’s something about a woman rubbing herself that trips my trigger, and Teresa seemed to really like rubbing herself. She rubbed suntan lotion on her shoulders and chest, then inside her bikini bra, then over her flat little tummy, and then her legs.
She saved the best part for last. Once she had her legs done, she slid her hand down inside her bikini bottoms and I saw her fingers moving. By the time she did that, my cock was rock hard and looking for a way out of my jeans.
I figured she was just going to finger herself until she came, but I was wrong. She stopped fingering herself, picked up her cell phone, and then stretched out on the chaise lounge and pointed the cell phone at her crotch while she pulled the bikini bottoms to the side. I saw her tap the screen a couple times, and then start tapping the cell phone with both hands.
About a minute later, Madge’s husband walked out their back door and over to the patio. The way his shorts stood out in the front told me Teresa had sent him an invitation, and I wasn’t wrong. He walked over to Teresa, grinned, and then pulled the string over her right hip. He pulled the string over her left hip then, and when Teresa raised up her ass, he pulled her bottoms off and sat them on the table.
I didn’t actually get video what he did to her pussy because his head pretty much had it covered, but I didn’t have to. The way he was bobbing up and down and the way Teresa pulled up her bikini bra and started rubbing her nipples said he wasn’t just counting the blond hairs on her pussy. That’s how I knew she was a natural blonde, by the way. Women will bleach the hair on their heads so they’ll look like a blonde, but they almost never bleach their pussy hair. It’s something about bleach burning that sensitive skin, or at least that’s what Wanda told me. Teresa’s little bush was the same color as the hair on her head.
Well, about the time Teresa started to push her pussy into his face, Madge’s husband stood up, dropped his shorts, and walked up beside Teresa’s face. I couldn’t make out the writing on the package he handed her, but when she tore it open and stuck the condom in her mouth, I figured out what was gonna happen.
Teresa grabbed his cock and pulled him a little closer, then grinned and opened her mouth. I saw her cheeks working a little and then Teresa pushed her face down. She went down far enough she had to straighten out her neck to get his cock all the way in, and when she pulled back up, the guy had the condom over his cock. I’d never seen that before. Teresa was very talented.
Anyway, Teresa grinned when Madge’s husband grabbed her legs and raised them up. He straddled the chaise lounge, guided his cock to her pussy, and then pushed in. Teresa made this little “O” shape with her mouth and then gave both her nipples a tight pinch. I kept my camera taking the video while he pumped his cock in and out of Teresa.
I figured Teresa must do something to stay flexible, because he had her ankles hooked over his shoulders and when he stroked in, Teresa’s legs ended up almost touching her tits. I was imagining how that must feel when her legs started to shake. She grabbed his ass and pulled him in closer, and then sort of started to shake all over. Madge’s husband was pumping his cock in and out of Teresa really fast then, and after a few strokes, he jerked about four times.
He pulled out then, stripped off the condom, and then handed it to her. She grinned and stuck her tongue in the end, tipped it up, and let his cum run into her mouth. She was still grinning when he went back home. I hung around while she pulled her bikini bra back down and put her bottoms back on. She went back in the house then, so I packed up and left.
When I showed the video to Madge, she just sat there and watched without saying anything. When it ended, she looked at me.
“He’s doing Peggy’s daughter?”
“Yeah. I have a second video from the next Wednesday if you need more proof.”
Madge shook her head.
“No, one is enough. Tell me something, Harry. Why would he…I mean, I’m not nineteen any more but I didn’t think I was that bad.”
Well, Madge wasn’t bad, not bad at all. Her tits weren’t quite as big as Teresa’s, well, it was hard to tell because she was wearing a loose T-shirt at the time, but they weren’t little by any means. Her ass was wider than Teresa’s, but like I’ve told you before, I like a woman to have some meat on her bones.
“You’re not bad, Madge. You’re pretty sexy. I don’t why he’d do that. I wouldn’t. I don’t really like young girls.”
“Well, I don’t know what I should do about this, divorce him I suppose, but then where would I be? I mean, we weren’t doing it very often, but when we did, it was great.”
Honest, I was only trying to make her feel better when I said she shouldn’t have trouble finding another man. Madge looked at me and grinned.
“That sounds like you’re interested. Are you?”
“Well, I wouldn’t be a man if I wasn’t interested. That doesn’t mean I’d try anything with you.”
Madge pulled off her T-shirt.
“If Jack’s going to screw the girl next door, I’m going to screw my private investigator.”
Well, that’s another story, but let’s just say by the next afternoon, I figured Madge's husband was either crazy as a loon or dumb as a fucking rock. She had this way of…well, like I said, that’s another story.
Anyway, when I asked Madge if a blonde woman named Maxine had been at the hospital on the nights Chastity was there, she tapped a few keys on her computer and then ran her finger down the screen.
“Nope, nobody named Maxine on any of those nights.”
“What about really late, like maybe midnight or one.”
Madge shook her head.
“That would never happen. We don’t let anybody go up after nine unless it’s to see somebody in intensive care and even then she’d still be in the computer.”
“Could she have sneaked in through Emergency?”
Madge shook her head.
“I doubt it. We get some really rough people in Emergency late at night, so the door to the hall from Emergency to the waiting room is locked at nine, and we have security there too. I suppose it’s possible, but she’d have to know where she was going. She’d have to go from Emergency through all the labs and doctor’s offices and then take the stairs or the patient elevator. The public elevator is in the main waiting room, so if she’d taken that one up, the desk clerk would have seen her and called security.”
“What about a hospital employee. They’d know where they were going.”
“Give me a sec.”
Madge used her mouse to click on a screen icon, and when a list appeared, she typed “Maxine” into the search feature. A few seconds later, four names appeared on the screen. Madge looked at each one and shook her head, then turned back to me.
“We have four Maxines. One works obstetrics from two to ten, one is a surgical nurse who works days, one is a pharmacist on days, and the last one is on maternity leave.”
I asked her if one of them could get into the hospital without going through the waiting room. Madge nodded.
“Sure. They could come in the employee entrance, but there’s no record any of them swiped in that late. I suppose one of them could have waited around in the restroom until everybody left, but I don’t know why they’d do that though.”
“Do any of them have blonde hair?”
Madge grinned at me.
“That night made you like blonde hair, didn’t it?”
“No, well yes, but I’ve always liked blonde hair. This Maxine has blonde hair, long blonde hair.”
Madge looked at the pictures beside each name and then shook her head.
“Nope, three brunettes and one redhead. I suppose she could have bleached it though. That’s how I became a blonde.”
I thanked Maxine and then winked at her. She grinned.
“That wink won’t get you anywhere, Harry. I have a boyfriend, remember?”
I did remember. I didn’t drink a whole bottle of scotch or do any other dumb-shit thing like that after she told me, but I did think about her for the rest of the day.
So, it was possible Maxine somehow got into Chastity’s room every night for a week, but I’d have to dig a little deeper to find out how. I knew the woman who took care of the hospital security cameras and while it was against hospital policy, I was pretty sure Tammy would show me the security videos of the nights in question.
Tammy had been really shaken up when I found out her husband was dating another guy on the side. I have a soft spot for redheads, and she said she was going to need some help to come to grips with that, so I asked if there was some way I could help her.
Tammy might have been having coming to grips with what her husband did, but she didn’t have any trouble getting a grip on my cock. When she left the next morning, she said if there was anything she could do to help me, all I needed to do was ask.
Unfortunately, Madge said Tammy was off that day, so I went back to my office. I still had the social media sites to search.
When I got back to my office/apartment, I typed “Maxine” into the search box of the site with the most members and then typed in “Nashville, TN” for the location. A few seconds later, my screen filled with photos of women named Maxine who lived within about twenty miles of Nashville.
By my count I’d been through a hundred pictures of smiling women by the time my stomach told me it was time for lunch. I fixed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, filled a glass with the rest of my coffee from that morning, and kept looking.
By four, I’d smoked half a pack of cigarettes and I was tired of looking at women named Maxine holding their fucking cat or wearing elf suits in front of a Christmas tree or looking all lovey-dovey by a lake with some dip-shit who looked like he’d used some makeup. I’d been through about four hundred profiles like that, but I had found six blonde women named Maxine. I didn’t think there would be more, because the names after that were names like Max or Maxie. I called Chastity and asked if she could come over and look at what I’d found.
Chastity got there about five and though her jeans and top were different, they were the same plain-style clothes she’d worn before. She sat down, twisted her hands together for a second and then asked if I’d found Maxine.
“Well, maybe. The hospital doesn’t have any record of a Maxine visiting you at all, let alone every night, but there are a couple ways she could have gotten in without going through the front desk. I’m still working on that part.”
“I did find six women named Maxine on the biggest social media site who are about your size and have blonde hair. Have a look at the pictures I printed from their pages. Maybe you’ll recognize her.”
Chastity looked at every picture, and then looked up and shook her head.
“No, the woman I saw isn’t any of these.”
“Well, I have a couple other sites I can go through, but if Maxine wasn’t on this one, she’s probably not on the others either.”
Chastity squeezed her hands between her knees and then said, “I still have a day coming from what I paid you, don’t I?”
“Yes, you paid for two days and I’ve only used one.”
“Then I want you to keep looking. If you don’t find her, I guess I’ll have to give up. I can’t afford to pay you much more than I already have.”
I tried to cheer her up by saying we might get lucky, but I probably wasn’t very convincing.
After she left, I heated up a frozen pizza in my microwave and poured myself half a jelly jar of Glenfiddich. The pizza was to stop my stomach from growling. The scotch was to take all those pictures out of my head.
Every time I go looking on one of the social media sites, I’m amazed at the pictures people post and what they write. They tend to fall into four categories. A shit-load of the posts are from businesses and bands. They post because it’s free and they don’t have to pay to have a commercial website. I can understand that. The rest are looking for compliments, sympathy, or just to see their name on the page.
The ones looking for someone to tell them how great they are usually post pictures of them doing what they think will result in someone else posting that. With young girls and guys, it’s the cell phone selfie bullshit. The captions usually say something like, “just relaxing by the lake”. The girl or guy will have fifty pictures of them in a bikini or tight trunks sitting, standing, or looking like they’re about to jump into the water, have just jumped in the water, or have just gotten out of the water. The only thing good about those pictures is the girls who just got out of the water. The little drops of water on their tits can be pretty fucking erotic if she has big tits and the bikini bra is pretty small.
Sometimes the selfies are of groups, usually girls, and you can bet the girl who posts the picture has bigger tits than all the rest. There’s usually a chubby one in the mix too.
The middle aged people post pictures of them with their kids with captions like, “my beautiful little angels when they were young”. At least one of those little angels is usually picking his nose or scratching his ass.
They also post picture of them as a couple. If the guy has graying hair and looks like he’d rather be taking a nap, the woman will look about fifteen years younger. That’s because she’s dyed her hair and is standing so you can’t really see how big her belly is. If the guy looks younger than the woman, he’ll usually have his hair all combed to the back of his head to hide his bald spot and uses that shit that’s supposed to “fade away the gray”.
The older folks post pictures of their hobbies like knitting the most god-awful sweaters you’ve ever seen, or building bird feeders out of old shipping skids that look like log cabins or churches. It’s OK with me if they want to do that. It’s probably good for them because it gives them something to do. I just don’t see why they feel the need to show that shit to the whole goddamned world.
The sympathy seekers always post everything that’s gone wrong for them since birth and then wait for other people to post, “I’m so sorry for you”, “I don’t know why such bad things happen to such a great person”, or some shit like that. The people who leave comments write that shit after the person posts a picture of some mangy mutt with the caption, “I just lost Reggie, my best friend in the whole world”, or they post a picture of a six year old girl with the caption,“My daughter just went off to college and I’ve been crying for three days”.
I hate to admit it, but I do feel sorry for them, both the posters and the people who leave comments. Their lives must be pretty boring if writing shit like that is all they have to do.
It’s the ones who just like seeing their name on the page that take the cake though. Why the fuck would I ever want to know shit about anybody like, “quit my job today” or “mowed my grass this afternoon” or “this is me sitting on my patio”? Apparently there’s somebody out there who does because they’ll always get a few replies.
Anyway, I finished my pizza, tossed the empty box and cardboard circle in the trash, and then went back to my desk and refilled my jelly glass. I knew tomorrow was going to be a bitch. I’d have to look at more goddamned pictures of more fucking people doing shit that was absolutely worthless. Maybe, with luck, I’d stumble on Maxine. I doubted it, but maybe. I’d take a break after lunch and go see if Tammy would show me the security videos for those nights, but after that, I’d be back looking at women and trying to find someone named Maxine with long, blonde hair.
I’d just pulled up my favorite amateur porn site, you know, one of those where ordinary people send in pictures of themselves naked, and was seeing who had posted what when there was a knock on my office door.
The sign on that door says my office hours are ten in the morning to four in the afternoon. I do lock the door at four, but I’ve gotten clients later than that, so I always answer. Just to be safe, I pulled the Smith snub-nose revolver from my ankle holster. One of the reasons I close up shop at four and wear my Smith is it can get pretty hairy on my street after it gets dark. As the saying goes, when seconds count, the cops are only minutes away.
That’s not faulting the Nashville PD. They do the best they can with what they have. It’s just the reality of living where I do. The pawn shop across the alley from me gets hit about every other month, and at least twice a year, some kid tries to beat the coin box off a washer down at the laundromat. Nobody’s fucked with me yet, but it might happen someday.
When I opened the door, I thought she was one of the hookers that work the corner at the other end of my block. She had blonde hair that hung down to her ass and her face was made up like some move star’s. Her eyes looked sultry and mysterious because of that shit they put on their eyelids to make them look that way. She was wearing bright red lipstick and her eyelashes looked like they’d whip you to death if she got close enough.
She was wearing a dress, well, I guess you could call it a dress. I figured if she bent over even a little, I’d be looking at her panties and her ass cheeks. The top, well, it was basically two straps about three inches wide that ran from her shoulders down over her tits and stopped where the front dived low enough I was sure she had to shave her pussy.
Her face said, “Fuck me now”, and her body said, “After you fuck me once, you’ll want to fuck me again.”
She looked at the Smith in my hand and grinned.
“Y’all gonna shoot me afore we git down ta what I came fer?”
“No, come in Miss. I don’t see a wedding ring, so it is Miss, isn’t it.”
She grinned again and walked through the door. I was closing it when she walked by me and I realized she didn’t have to bend over for me to see her ass cheeks. They were right there under the hem of her dress. I finally got the door closed, but I couldn’t find the knob on the deadbolt and watch those sexy little cheeks move up and down at the same time, so I gave up and went back to my desk.
When I sat down, she shifted her weight to one leg and that cocked her ass enough I felt my cock give a little jump.
“Yeah, it’s miss. That fuckin’ asshole I was married to thought I didn’ fuck him good enough so he divorced me. Said my tits were to little too.”
She cupped her tits and squeezed them. Somehow they stayed under the straps, well most of them did.
“Whatcha think. My tits too li’l for ya?”
You get all kinds of people in my business who ask all kinds of questions. Sometimes it’s hard to answer, but it’s usually best to play along until I figure out what they’re up to.
“No, they’re not too little.”
“OK, now we got that straight, betcha wanna find out who I am and why I’m here, don’tcha? Well, I’m Maxine. I heard ya been tryin’ to find me.”
Well, this was a first. I’d never had a person I was looking for just walk into my office and say “here I am”.
“Yes, I’ve been looking for a blonde woman named Maxine. I don’t know if you’re the right Maxine though. Who told you I was looking for a woman named Maxine?
“A li’l ol’ bird tol’ me.”
I said I didn’t think little birds could talk. She just laughed.
“Well, this li’l bird did. She tol’ me you went to the hospital and asked if I’d been there. She tol’ me ya made her pussy all wet. I think she’d like to fuck ya.”
Well, the only people who knew I’d gone to the hospital were Chastity and Madge. Since Chastity was looking for Maxine that little bird had to be Madge. I could see Madge telling Maxine I was looking for her and telling Maxine where to find me. It was a bit of a stretch to think Madge would tell Maxine the rest, but then, Madge sometimes says what she’s thinking.
“OK, I’ll bite. How do I know you’re the –
She was grinning when she cut me off.
“Ya kin bite if ya want. I kinda like it when my nips get bit, an’ if you bite my ass, I get goosey bumps all over.”
I wasn’t used to a woman coming on to me so strong and it was a little uncomfortable. I mean, it was like she was at the grocery store and had picked me out of all the other steaks, not that I’m a steak. I’m more of a sausage. I thought if I sat her down, at least I wouldn’t be looking the way she kept stroking her ass.
“Miss, have a seat so we can talk about this.”
She plopped down in the chair opposite my desk while I put the Smith back in my ankle holster. When I raised back up, she’d put her right ankle over her left knee. I’d been wrong about being able to see her panties. I couldn’t because she wasn’t wearing any. She also wasn’t a natural blonde. Her little trimmed bush was dark brown.
“So, Maxine, you were at the hospital with Chastity.”
“Yep, I’uz right there ‘side her bayud.”
“I did talk to the hospital, and they don’t have a record of you ever being there. Mind telling me out you managed to get past all the security and up to Chastity’s room?”
“I didn’ haveta. I’ve al’ays been with Chastity, fer all the fuckin’ good it done me.”
I looked at Maxine for a couple of minutes then. Like Chastity had said, Maxine was about the same size, and in fact, everything about her looked the same size. Her face was different, but the longer I looked, the more I saw Chastity in that face.
“Chastity said she didn’t know who you were. If you’ve always been with her, wouldn’t she know that?”
“The li’l bitch would if she’d jest let herself go once in a while, but she cain’t do it. She al’ays hadda be the good daughter.”
“Chastity’s your sister?”
“Nah, I just know a lot about her. She don’t know me at all. That’s why I talked to her when she was in the hospital. She needs to fucking change before I go fucking crazy.”
Maxine had been wringing her hands while speaking and that convinced me. It was the same thing Chastity had done. I wasn’t exactly scared, but I was really uneasy.
“Maxine, would you excuse me for a minute. I have to…well, you know.”
“Sure, go ahead. I’ll be here when ya come back. Jest be sure to shake it good. I wanna have us some fun since I’m here.”
Once I was in the john, I closed and locked the door, and then called Joyce Brown, a woman who works in booking at the Nashville Police station.
When I went back to my office, Maxine was still sitting there and smiling. She’d also pulled her tits out from under the straps on her dress.
“Ya sure my tits aren’t too li’l? They don’t stick out very far.”
“Yes, I’m sure.”
“Wanna feel ‘em?”
“Uh…well, maybe after while. I need to ask you a few more questions, just so I’ll know you’re the real Maxine. Chastity told me you two talked about a lot of things. What did you talk about?”
“Oh, just girl stuff, ya know, like how we growed up and shit we like.”
“How about your parents? Did you talk about them?”
“Oh hell yeah. Chastity loved her daddy. I liked Daddy some, but he was an old stick in the mud, just like Chastity. ‘Course, that was ‘cause he was a Baptist minister. Mama was the same way. I had to wear these ugly long dresses all the time and they couldn’t fit very tight. As soon as I got tits, I wanted to show them babies off like the movie stars do, but Mama always said only a tramp would do that.
“I guess I’m a tramp, ‘cause I’m showin’ ‘em to you and it looks like you like ‘em. I know you’re lookin’ at my li’l pussy too. Whatcha think about my li’l pussy? Would you lick it or just stick it?”
Maxine grinned and winked her right eye.
“I’d like it if ya did both.”
I was trying to think of an answer when my office door opened and Janet Myers walked in. I’d known Janet for a long time, and I was happy Joyce had given Janet the call. Janet’s a no-nonsense officer when she needs to be, but she also has soft side.
Janet walked up to Maxine and smiled.
“Hi, Maxine. Harry’s told me so much about you. I have to go down to Memorial to see a friend. How about if you come with me and we can talk some more on the way?”
Maxine looked at me and I thought I saw Chastity coming back.
“Do I have to go with her?”
“Oh, I think you should. Janet’s a friend of mine and she’ll take good care of you.”
“If I have to go with her, would you come with me?”
“Tell you what. It’s pretty late and I’ve been drinking so I can’t drive anywhere. You go with Janet here and I’ll come see you in the morning. How would that be?”
I walked outside with them, and helped Janet put Maxine in her patrol car. It’s standard procedure to cuff anybody before they get put in a patrol car, but Janet was playing it like I hoped she would. Maxine wasn’t any danger to herself or anybody else, and putting her in cuffs might have made her start to fight.
The next morning, I drove over to Memorial. Madge was at the waiting room desk and she smiled when I walked up.
“Hi Harry. Find your girl?”
“Yeah, I did, but you wouldn’t believe how. Maxine was really Chastity. That’s why you didn’t have a record of her. She was here, but only in Chastity’s head. I need to see her, but I don’t know if she was admitted as Chastity or as Maxine.”
“Sounds like multiple personality disorder. We get one maybe two times a year. Let me see how they admitted her.”
Madge paged through her computer screens for a while and then said, “She must have gotten herself back to Chastity, because that’s how they admitted her. She’s in room 403”.
When I knocked on the open door of Chastity’s room, she looked up from her magazine and then waved her hand.
“Come on in. I remember you saying you’d come see me and I’ve been waiting for you.”
“You remember last night?”
“Some of it after the police woman got there. Come sit on the bed so we can talk about that.”
After I sat down, I asked Chastity if the doctors knew what happened. She frowned.
“No, not really. They think it was when I hit my head, but they’re not sure because all my tests came back normal. I talked with a psychiatrist this morning. What Dr. Monroe told me was pretty scary. She said Maxine’s probably been inside me all along. I just wouldn’t let her out until I got hurt bad enough I couldn’t hold her in anymore. She said she didn’t know why Maxine was there, but she’d help me find out.
“I’ve been thinking about that and I can kind of see how Maxine’s inside me. You probably think I’m really shy and I don’t… well, my husband divorced me because I didn’t like sex. He said it was just incompatibility, but I know that’s the real reason because he told me that every day for a year.
“I’m like that to everybody, Little Miss Goodie Two-shoes, but inside, I’ve always had these other thoughts, thoughts that my mother and father told me were wrong. I never told anybody what I thought inside, but that had to be Maxine. I did try to be her, sometimes. I bought that blonde wig and those clothes she was was wearing, but I never had the courage to wear them except to see how I’d look in the mirror in my bedroom.
“I think when I got hurt, Maxine popped out and I couldn’t stuff her back in. I think she was trying to make me like everybody else while she had the chance.
I have to talk with Dr. Monroe every day for another week before they’ll release me, but she’s really nice and I trust her. She told me up front that doctors doesn’t know for sure why people are like I am, but she’ll help me work through it and I’ll get better. I think I already am better. At least I know Maxine’s in there now and how she can make me be if I let her.”
“Maybe Dr. Monroe can get Maxine and I to come to an agreement about how I should be. I hope so. I don’t like how I am, but I don’t know what to do to change. Maybe Maxine does.”
I told Chastity I’d stay in touch and then walked down to the elevator. I hoped when things ended up, Chastity was a little more like Maxine and Maxine was gone. Maxine was pretty fucking hot, but I like my women to at least let me pretend I’m driving. I had the feeling if I hadn’t called the police, Maxine would have fucked me right there in my office.
On my way out the door, I stopped off at the desk to say goodbye to Madge.
“How’s she doing?”
“Oh, pretty good I think, considering.”
“Wish I was.”
“You have a problem with something? Anything I can help with?”
OK, Madge was gonna keep me guessing instead of just telling me. Like I said before, women would get along a lot better with men if they’d just talk in plain simple language, but I suppose that’s too fucking much to ask.
“What’s the problem?”
Madge started fiddling with her hair.
“Oh, last month the house next to my boyfriend’s house sold and last week this woman moved in. I saw her last night when I went over to see Ricky. She’s about ten years younger than me and she has really big boobs. That night after we, you know, Ricky said he liked me but he thought we should see other people so we could be sure.
“I asked him if he was serious, and he said he was. So, Harry, you doin’ anything on Friday night?”
Well, she’s coming over about six and we’re going to have dinner at the Chinese restaurant down the street. After that, well, if Madge does that thing again…
One of these day’s I’ll have to tell you about that.