The Healing Process: Past Pains

“I can kind of see how I would benefit from this whole arrangement, but why do you want such a thing in the first place?” Grilling someone on their preferences of sexual domination was not something I pictured myself doing at any point in my life. I rarely ever thought about the world of BDSM but when I did the thoughts were usually of women being strapped to strange apparatuses while some guy in a suit violated them with all sorts of medieval looking tools. Trying to envision my situation, me a dominatrix and George my submissive victim, was almost too much to process. Sure, I had already tied him up with bed sheets once before, but that was amateurish at best. Getting into the nitty-gritty of it all, binding him up and inflicting increasing levels of pain and pleasure; that would be another thing entirely.

“To help you out pretty much; there’s not much else to it” he said before taking a sip of his coffee, not taking his eyes off of the magazine he was reading. Bringing up this topic midday in a Barnes and Nobles might not have been the most optimal decision, but George had been dodging my questions all morning and I was beginning to grow impatient with him.

“You really expect me to believe that you would randomly think of domination as a means of helping me” I whispered. We were sitting near the coffee shop area of the store and there were a number of people around us who I really didn’t want hearing the specifics of our conversation. “What type of person would suggest that over, oh I don’t know therapy or counseling?”

“The type who is into alternative methods of expressing traumatic feelings and emotions” he said finally looking up at me. “Or maybe I’m just a glutton for punishment Ophelia. Turn-on’s for me could simply include ball-gags, leather straps and a dainty white woman calling me by a racial slur.”

“For the tenth time George, you tempted me to say that horrid word” I said trying hard not to raise my voice or get flustered despite the heat rising to my cheeks. “I’d never let such a rotten phrase touch my lips otherwise.

“Oh how noble of you, but that’s not going to get you out of this white guilt trip. Once a racist, always a racist” he said with a cheerful smile. I would have slapped him smooth across his face if it wasn’t for that damn smile. Full on, all teeth, face scrunched up in pure and infectious joy; George just radiated a blissful energy all the time (well, except when he was threatening to hurl me through dry wall). But regardless of his shit-eating grin I had to get some answers out of him.

“You’re so hilarious George, I mean a true comedian. But if you want me to continue being your Queen then you had better stop avoiding my question.” Now this animated him, the very mention of the title he had bestowed upon me. Quickly his smile turned into a face of intensity and pure eroticism.

“Careful now Ophelia” he said almost with a growl in his voice. “You shouldn’t invoke that name if you aren’t ready to bear its responsibility.” In a way, this change in George scared me. I’ve felt the stare he’s giving me now from so many other men I’ve been with. Their desire is always palpable, like this tangible entity outside of them but still attached, still them. This always made sex a chore for me, as I never really felt loved by these men but rather used by their cravings and desire. I felt that George could be different from my past partners, but my body wasn’t quite ready to trust him just yet.

“Well how else am I supposed to get any answers out of you” I asked, shying away from the ‘queen’ role for the time being. I didn’t need him threatening to fuck me in the middle of the store (mainly because he might actually be that bold).

“You could answer one of my questions first for starters.”

“How is that fair? I asked my question first” I said rather childishly.

“It’s not, but what is? Besides, I can drag this little game of ours out way longer than you can. So if you want your answers, you’re going to have to give me mine first. So tell me Ophelia, why did you agree to this whole arrangement in the first place? You could have easily deemed me a creep or a deviant and turned away; so many other women have. So what made you stay?” Now I was in a predicament. Not because he had turned the tables on me (which was just complete and utter bull-shit) but because I knew the answer to his question. I knew it the moment he made the offer to me a week ago. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself.

“I’m honestly not sure George. It just seemed like a reasonable idea when you suggested it too me.” I had a sinking feeling that he wouldn’t fall for my lie but I had to try at least.

“Yeah, there’s no way that that’s your reason” he said seeing through my guise as easily as I feared he would. “Now if we were in a long term relationship and needed something to spice things up I’d be inclined to believe you. But we’ve only known each other for three months, and it only took a week to convince you to be a willing participant. People don’t just come around to domination in such a short timeframe. It’s either your thing or it isn’t. So why is it that you want to do this Ophelia?” He was making me angry with all this extra questioning, or maybe I was getting angry at the truth. Either way, I wasn’t able to hold my emotions back.

“I don’t know George, maybe the idea of being in control sounded appealing. Maybe I thought of all the times I was simply used for someone else’s desires without my own ever being considered and finally got fed up and wanted some payback. Maybe I looked at your offer and thought of how good it would feel to take out all my frustrations on someone else. Maybe after all the times I heard that I was too thin and pale for anyone else to love me, that I was too timid to defend myself, too weak minded to think for myself, I snapped. Maybe after being with someone that was so cruel they used a nickname given to me by my dead grandfather in a dismissive, demeaning, and derogatory way I wanted to deal out my own cruelty on the first poor bastard who allowed me to do so regardless of whether he deserves it or not and you were lucky man number one. Does that explain it George!?” This was the very reason I didn’t want to answer his question. Not only was I teary eyed and furious at the end of my rant accompanied by a fast approaching headache, but I also had everyone in ear shot looking at me, some of them watched eagerly through the screens on their cell-phones trying to capture my breakdown for the ridiculous moment that it was. Before I could feel too exposed or sink into myself George took my hand, walked me out of the store to his car and drove me home.

“I bet you’re rethinking the whole ‘queen’ business now huh” I asked still feeling embarrassed about my previous outburst. George smiled warmly at my question while lathering my left foot and calf in strawberry scented soap. He had held me for awhile once we got to my apartment. I’m not proud to admit that I cried for a couple of minutes while he consoled me. Not because I was still feeling foolish about my big moment at Barnes and Nobles but because I genuinely thought I was over my past experiences with my former partners, Jeremy especially. But obviously they still weighed on me pretty heavily. George ran me a bath once I was stable and then asked if I wanted him to stay. I said yes; still too far gone to turn him away and far too vulnerable to be left alone.

“On the contrary Ophelia, I’m even more certain that you deserve such a position” he said while using his fingers to splay my toes, both spreading soap in between them and nearly making me moan from the relaxing sensation.

“How is that the case,” I asked trying to maintain focus as he continued to run his soft hands along my skin, “unless you count breaking down in a book store as queenly behavior.”

“I don’t” he said, laughing at me when I pouted at his directness. “But having the courage to face your past head on however is very much queenly behavior, although I must apologize for pushing you that far.”

“Yes you should” I agreed. “But in all honesty, it wasn’t just facing my past that set me off. I’m more concerned about my potential future.”

“How so” he asked, switching from my left leg to my right and repeating the lathering process.

“That night we started doing this, when I had you naked and poorly tied to the bed, I wasn’t hesitant because I was unsure about going forward with it. I was hesitant because part of me wanted to hurt you. In that moment I didn’t see you, I saw Jeremy. I saw every man that has ever used me for his own pleasure. And when it clicked in my head that you were at my mercy, I felt an urge to let out all of my anger on you.” I felt a tinge of shame admitting this to him. George wasn’t the cause of any of the things that I went through nor was it right to make him bear all of that pent up rage.

“That was kind of the point of it all” he said plainly, continuing to rub soap across my leg as if I hadn’t just exposed what I thought was a shameful desire. “Dominating me is supposed to give you an outlet for all of that pain and rage that you’ve been holding onto. I don’t want you shy away from your feelings, I want you to lean into them and feel them out completely.”

“Even if it means hurting you” I asked meekly.

“You aren’t going to hurt me Ophelia. That’s what safe words are for. So unless you hear me shout out ‘pineapple’ at the top of my lungs, you can wail on me as much as you want.”

“But why” I asked unable to comprehend this understanding of his. “Why would you want me or anyone for that matter to attempt to hurt you?” I rose out of the water bit by bit as I spoke and soon became aware of my stiff nipples as the air cooled my skin. I sunk back into the water quickly when George starred at them and smiled. “I mean, it can’t just be because it turns you on right?”

“You’re right” he said after a short pause, lowering my leg into the water. “There is more to my desire than just being somewhat attracted to pain. I was basically the man of the house growing up. My parents got divorced when I was nine and I and my two sisters ended up living with my mom most of the time. Being the oldest I was expected to keep my sisters in line. Not only that but I also felt obligated to look out for my mom when she started dating, scrutinizing each man that came through the door. As the years went on I assumed more and more of a dominant role in my home. Hell I commanded more respect from my family than my dad did.”

“And I’m guessing all this added responsibility at such a young age detracted from you having a normal childhood.” He shook his head slowly before continuing.

“While I took to my hybrid role of both son and a father figure as best as I could I did get tired of it in my late teens. I couldn’t stand my family looking to me for answers in situations that I shouldn’t have had to be a part of. While all of my friends and classmates were going to parties and skipping class I was helping my mom with bills and taking my sisters to school and to see our dad on the weekend. I was always in control of everything around me, having to plot out and plan every part of everyone’s day. At that point I was looking for anything that could help me feel normal, or at least feel like I could let go of my hold on things and the world wouldn’t end because of it. And it was during that time that I stumbled onto BDSM. I watched so many videos of men being at the mercy of women, used and somewhat tortured and humiliated, and it just made me feel so comfortable. To have someone else take hold of the situation and plot out the action became a big fantasy of mine. But there was quite a gap between figuring out this little kink of mine and actually bringing it up in one of my relationships, and even longer to find someone who didn’t turn me down the instant I brought it up.”

“Am I the first person to not turn you down?”

“No, I’ve had one other person to take up my offer, but she had a few too many abusive tendencies, including a real hard-on for spanking and a disregard for safe words.”

“Okay, but aren’t you afraid that I might be the same way” I asked still worried of the damage I might cause if I let my anger take over.

“Honestly, no. Call it a hunch, but I feel that your style of domination will be measured and fair. I think that once you’ve gotten all your anger out, everything afterwards will be for our mutual pleasure. You’ll be dominating me not out of a desire to hurt me but in order to feel powerful and confident; to be the queen that I already know you to be. But know that this is only if you so choose.” I considered George’s explanation and in doing so understood him and his desire a great deal more. I finally got his idea of treating this arrangement like a kind of therapy for the both of us. Weighing the mutual benefits against the possibility of me becoming an abusive tyrant, I decided the risk was well worth taking.

“I do so choose” I said with certainty. “If you’ll have me George, I would be honored to be your queen.”

“Understand that this isn’t an obligation. I want you to do this for yourself. Not because some strange and deeply troubled man wants you to humor his sad desire but because you see it as a chance to take back anything a man has ever stolen from you. I want you to be completely selfish in this goal; to be dominant purely for your own pleasure.”

“Need I repeat myself? I. So. Choose.” Passiveness, I was discovering, wouldn’t work with George. I would have to be assertive to get my points across to him, a reality that was making me wonderfully excited. It seemed to please George as well as that large grin spread over his face for the second time that day.

“In that case Ophelia, it would be an honor to be your knight.” It was as good a pact as any and we were finally agreed on the arrangement. Fully accepting my new role for the first time, I felt an urge to command my new powers.

“Now that we are officially on one accord, I’d like to make my first royal decree.” I rose out of the tub completely while speaking. I saw steam rising off of my body and could only imagine what George was making of it.

“I readily await your orders” he said bending his knee as though to take a bow.

“If I am to be your dominating queen, I need to know what arouses you. Every tender spot on your body, each sensitive zone, how much pressure to apply, how close you can get before you lose complete control, I need to know it all. So to that end my dear Knight, I will pleasure you to my heart’s content. Do you find this agreeable?”

“Yes my Queen” he said looking up at me, his eyes alight with sensuality so strong I felt my nipples tighten just at his gaze.

“Then go to the bedroom, strip naked, and lie on your back on the bed. I shall be with you momentarily.”  George left the bedroom without another word, all too happy to take his orders. I took a few minutes to let out the bath water and collect a bottle of scented oil before heading in the same direction.

There in the middle of my bed when I arrived was George in all his naked glory lying in the middle of the bed. His burly body was a bit imposing but also enticing; broad shoulders, defined muscles, a big but solid stomach, and a stiff erection that I desperately wanted pounce on. I resisted my urges for the time being and proceeded with my mission. Approaching my loyal knight I opened the bottle of oil and poured a healthy amount of the liquid along his body, watching intently as it rolled down his body, pooling in certain places and cascading downward in others. Once he was covered to satisfaction I began to rub my hands along his slick frame, starting at his chest and going upwards toward his neck and spreading it out toward his shoulders. I listened to his breathing while massaging his skin, looking for a sharp intake or exhale of breath when I touched a specific spot. Having no such luck with the higher up spots I descended, getting a better response in his moans when I teased his pecks and nipples. I pinched and tweaked those stiff nubs for a few seconds just to hear that deep voice of his tremble at my touch. Once his nipples had gone soft and he seemed less sensitive to my touch I continued to explore his body, finding more sensitive spots on his sides and a little ways down his back. I avoided his groin at first, fearing that I wouldn’t be able to resist my own desire, and opted to find other erogenous zones around the lower half of his body. His inner thighs, the back of his knees, and his heels responded well to soft touches and light applications of pressure. Although he maintained his composure I knew George couldn’t take much more of my teasing. The slightest touch sent him into a quiver and I was sure that his dick couldn’t grow any harder. I was also far more excited than I thought I would be. “Well my Knight, I think I’ve learned all that I can” I said while walking over to my nightstand and opening the top drawer.

“Are you satisfied my Queen” he asked with a hint of longing in his voice.

“Not quite” I said returning to my spot near his waste with a condom already out of the package. Swiftly I put the rubber on his yearning cock before climbing on top of him. “But I will be.” Before I could properly mount him or even give an order George rolled me onto my back and pinned me against the bed. “I didn’t say you could have your way with me Knight” I growled, more from need than anger or surprise.

“You can punish me later.” George entered me right then, not even allowing me to protest his actions. My composure as a dominating queen broke almost instantly and I reverted back to Ophelia; demure, horny, and in desperate need of an orgasm. Surprisingly, my body accepted his advances with ease. It could have been how in need I was in that moment, but I felt that I could finally trust George, that he was in this for my pleasure just as much as his own, maybe even more.

 Since George usually showed a vast interest in pleasuring me, I couldn’t quite tell the difference between the knight persona and the man, other than one would heed my commands more readily. Regardless of roles, all that mattered now was the climax of our emotional rollercoaster day. With that goal in my I snaked a hand to my throbbing clit, crying out at the first rub of the hardened flesh. Combine that with the raging cock plunging into my slick cunt and George’s tongue flicking my painfully erect nipples and I was coming in wild waves of ecstasy not even within five minutes of our sudden coupling. George wasn’t far behind me, going into his own shaking convulsions against my body. When everything finally stabilized George rolled off of me and we lay in a heap of sweaty satisfaction.

“You…are going…to pay dearly…my Knight” I said in between exhausted breaths.

“I look…forward…to your punishment…my Queen” he said equally as tired, but with enough strength to pull me against him. I felt so many things while ensnared in his arms. Safe, strong, confident, in control, beautiful, cared for, hell, maybe even loved. With nothing left to say I kissed him, and, as we both drifted off to a well deserved nap, thought of all the ways I was going to torture him.

[The Healing Process: Fifty Percent Complete]