I was in the winter of my life and the men I met along the road were my only summer. At night I fell asleep with visions of myself, dancing, laughing and crying with them. They have nurtured my mind with lustful tunes but to me, that was the only time that someone cared.
my memories of them were the only things that sustained me And in some way has taught me to love myself And to not lean on anyone else when I'm on the road.
It was 10:15 pm and the sky decked a full moon. It was a silent and chilly night. Winter was nearing and my sexual drive was withering just like the environment around me.
My birthday was around the corner and I couldn't wait any longer to be legal. I wanted to experience the things any normal human would want to...
'where are you?', read the text message on my phone.
I replied, 'next to the drug store, in blue.'
It was getting colder as the night went on and my jeans weren't working for this kind of weather. My urgent need for physical touch couldn't wait any longer and it was evident in my appearance.
A minute later I see a dark blue-navy Mercedes Benz 2016 model, the windows were tinted which made it even more suspicious for a hookup in a middle-eastern country. The car halted in front of me. I received another text
I tried to make it look less suspicious and cautiously looked left and right to check if we caught anyone's attention. Even the venial task of getting into a car felt like, I was doing something wrong like I was committing a crime. But my longing need to be with someone could not wait any longer.
I closed the door gently and looked to my left and see this handsome brown man. He was buff and had short black hair, looked like he was in his mid 30's, very daddy material (Just how I liked it). He greeted me with a smile.
'you're hotter in person, I said.
'I didn't know a cute twink resided here'.
'well if someone's gotta be the cute one, might as well be me.. hehe.'
I didn't know how to not be awkward and I've got No one else to blame but myself for not being very social. But in my defence, any oppressed gay kid in his teens would do the same.
Plus It wasn't easy for me to play it cool in front of a hot guy. He began driving and started that small talk every introvert hates. It was also getting a little boring so I asked him
he looked surprised. I saw my question hit him like a speeding bullet, which on impact shocked him.
'what do you mean, they are cute and...' he paused And nervously continued ' hot, I... um, find em really sexy actually.'
'is it cause you can't get it from what you already have?'
'ha-ha, yes. I don't. I hope you don't mind me being married to a heterosexual lady'
'not really, doesn't bother me at all. there's not much I can do anyways.'
To break the tension caused by the question, I proceeded to playfully but bluntly flirt,
'you got a pretty build,' I said as I squeezed his left arm. And just like every muscle maniac, He flexed his bicep in show.
'you like em? Been working out nonstop recently.'
'I love a strong daddy who dominates his bottom.'
'ha, I see... Hot. I'd love to see you submit.'
I saw him ease a little while we talked about our likes and dislikes about sex. There was silence in the car then. The air conditioning in the car was in tune with the speed at which we were going.
The lights emitting from the buildings and skyscrapers illumined the sky with its beautiful gold. It looked inviting. I felt like I had to be there, I wanted to be there. I wanted to get closer and abide there
I looked at him and asked
'can you please?' while pointing at the sunroof.
He pressed the little button to open the sunroof. it opened slowly.
'Of course... Go on!'
I got up and stood on the seat. I popped my head out, The wind hit my face with its cool, free, and bold nature. It was breezing through my hair, bombarding my ears making me deaf.
The highway looked like an unending path and I too didn't want it to end. I didn't want it to end, Not so quick. I was just beginning to like it.
After getting used to the pace of the car I began to ride in sync with it. I couldn't help but stretch my hands out like how a drunk chick or an annoying privileged kid would. And so I did. I reached for the sky, palms open, eyes closed in tune with the rhythm of the night.
... I once had dreams, Dreams any ambitious teen would have. But upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished over and over again for them to come true.
But I didn't mind because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted and then losing it to know what true freedom is. I knew it wasn't going to be easy: At all.
I knew it would take everything, even if it meant leaving the one's closest to me behind to attain it. I knew it would break me down, into pieces and that things would never be the same but for the first time I felt free, I felt like I could be me And No one was there to stop me from doing so.
I could taste it... Freedom; And I loved it. The feeling was new to me but I didn't treat it like a stranger and embraced it. I didn't want it to end. I wanted more, the full experience.
Like a bird I wanted to spread my wings and soar, I wanted to fly, fly till I could fly no more. I wanted to be with the stars... Where my dreams were... I wanted to be Where the road never ends and where the sky ISN'T the limit...
'how's it up there?'
I opened my eyes and quickly sat back down like a trained pet. I was a little ashamed. Felt like I shouldn't have done that, it felt like being free was...Wrong, undeserving.
'ha-ha, what's wrong?'
'huh?, Oh...um...nothing; sorry I just got carried away, You know'
'it's alright, relax, I understand. This place isn't for us, it's never been. It's frustrating at times to be locked up and alone all by yourself, not knowing what to do and what not to do.
So many rules and barriers that limit our freedom to little or none. but sometimes all we need is a break, an escape, it may be something or someone or somewhere to go that can make us feel safe and secure. Am I right?'
'Em, yeah... true' I said whilst looking out the window
I heard the sunroof close and the quietness return.
'it's your first time; Isn't it?', he asked.
'what do you mean?'
'you're a virgin aren't you?'
My arms ran cold as he raised that question. I felt like what I was experiencing was about to end soon. There was no way I could lie any longer. Even if I did it wouldn't make a difference.
The silence was growing in the car. He sounded like he knew the answer to that question before I even answered it. I begin to rethink everything that I've said and done before the question to find out the clue I dropped.
The tension was rising. I was mute, I didn't know how to answer, even though it was a simple question. By the time I could frame an answer He took my silence for it.
'so I take it as a yes. You see, I've been there before. I know how it feels. You want what others have, That lifestyle; that freedom. But some people are born into such privileges and others simply aren't. Some have it already and some have to fight their whole life to get it. It's how life is, not everyone is born with that silver spoon in their mouth. Not everybody can be free; Be queer and free.'
It was 11:30 by now and we were pulling up on the side of the highway. He drove a little more into a deserted area where No one was around. We taxied around the area just to be sure and then He gently brought the car to a stop next to a tree. He looked at me and said
I was nervous But did not hesitate. I had this one chance to experience it, Whatever it was going to be. He stepped out of the car and sat on the hood of the car and so did I.
The view of the city lights and skyscrapers was quite beautiful. The orange and yellow lights resembled expensive jewellery laid out on a table, Rich and lustrous.
'Beautiful isn't it, my first time was here.'
I looked at him as he narrated and could see the reflection of the lights in his eyes. His eyes, had a certain sparkle to them, a very genuine and honest one. He was beautiful, I couldn't help but get distracted and fall into deep fascination.
'we fucked in the car next to this mesmerizing view: it was beautiful. it was the most memorable experience of my life.'
'will it be mine too?'
he looked at me and made eye contact. My question was direct and bold but I couldn't help but to not waste time. For I knew my luck wasn't the best. After a short pause, he asked me
'do you want it to be?'
I placed my hand on his face and slowly moved closer to him.
and my lips touched his. My heart was racing. I couldn't help but to cease and let go into the sensation of it. He drew me closer to him with his strong arms.
I felt his pecs on my chest and his strong arms around me, tightly. I held him tighter cause I didn't want him to stop. I wanted it so bad. And now that I got it I didn't want to let go. It felt like I needed it like I wanted it to go on forever and didn't want it to end.
His lips on mine felt like it was necessary; like it was meant to be there, I felt the social restriction that once tied me up was now breaking slowly, It was Liberating.
My phone buzzed and I pulled back. I pulled out my phone from my right pocket
' I gotta get home, moms mad'
I saw him sigh. He kissed me once and said
'let's get you home'
we got back in the car. The drive back home was silent but it felt like it was justified.
'alright... ' he said as he pulled over at the same place where I met him. 12:00 as shown on the digital clock on the dashboard and just like the Cinderella tale my magical night has come to an end.
I wished that my prince would come back for me and we could have this just once more but I knew I wouldn't have it again. I knew this would be my last.
I looked at him, Cleared my throat and said
'I won't forget this, you have done something I will never forget and will always remember. Thank you for showing me a glimpse of what freedom felt like, of what I can hopefully have one day...thank you for this magical journey; to you, it may be a mere pleasure but to me, it's not just that. I can't, I, thanks for the ride.'
Before I could hold back my tears any longer I kissed him on his cheek and got out of the car and turned around, my back facing the car. I began walking as I heard the car leave behind me and I went back into reality.
I leave this time knowing that I haven't been able to experience what I ever so wanted to but what I already have are the little memories in my head. The ones I replay time and time again are like a beautiful movie when I'm in pain.
my memories are the only things that have kept me from going insane on the road. My route isn't an easy one. It has been painful and heartbreaking due to some accidents and regretful decisions.
They have created a dent in my memory, Some I wish I could repair, but sometimes those dents should be left unrepaired. Cause they are the only things that have never left me when I'm on the ride.