The 29th Amendment reads:
"The generation, sale, direct transfer (from persons identifying as male to persons identifying as female) of human semen within the United States is hereby prohibited."
November 2032. Destinee Danube faces one felony count of swallowing prostatic fluid.
Supreme Court: City of New York
Judge Laurel Canyon projects what judges usually do: boredom and business-as-usual detachment.
Throughout this morning's proceedings, each involving violations of the same statute, she barely looked up; instead, her attention stayed fixed on her virtual computer screen.
What she reads is a matter of some speculation in a courtroom filled to the brim with expectant onlookers. The accused wonders too, but skeptically supposes Her Honor, like all women, likely scrutinizes lesbian porn, the sole erotic medium permissible since Congress passed the 'Pink Laws.'
"Bet she's watching that new Q-rated' Bat Girl' series," Destinee Danube hissed, leaning closer to her attorney. Popping a Hershey's Kiss into her mouth, she carelessly balled up its foil wrapper and flicked it onto the floor, then watched it roll to a stop at the base of the prim court reporter's desk.
"Have you seen it?" the defendant asked. "Bat Girl is so gross. She rims The Flash; I mean, she tongues him big-time--sticks it right in. All of the flick's players are bio-women, but the one who plays 'The Flash' identifies as male--which is hot. Ever seen it, Krislyn? It's on FlixNix."
Indifferent to Destinee's off-the-wall notions, defense attorney Krislyn Shen shook her head. The stunning Asian, expecting a media onslaught over her client's outrageous behavior, had dressed in black. Wearing a three-piece, notch lapel lady suit, she sensed her client was mistaken and guessed the judge's agenda was altogether different.
She was right. The preoccupied jurist was busy studying this morning's appellate court decision, which she knows will figure into the case before her. The higher court ruling is clear; defendant Danube is guilty.
"What's with her?" Destinee, glaring at the judge, whispered. "Every time I get dragged in here, she's being a bitch. I'm not going to jail again; I'll scream discrimination against White people--I mean, fuck this court stuff--it's so fucking stupid. Why am I even charged? It's a fucking sperm offense, for God's sake; I swallowed, so what? I only got caught one fucking time--once! I identify as a girl; I need semen--it's in the Constitution--or something, isn't it? What about women's liberation? What is this shit? The law sucks; it's complete bullshit. Nobody's going to tell me what to put in my mouth!"
Attorney Shen, harried and overbooked, grimaced. "Don't nit-pick, Destinee," she scolded. "She's not called the hangin' judge for nothing. I'm going to move for 'no jail' time. How about we plead down to six months of rehab?"
"No way!" Destinee insisted. "I hate rehab; I'm not doing it. I won't! They pump us full of that drug; what's it called?"
"Cum-Uppance #9," Krislyn clarified.
"Whatever," Destinee accepted. "Drugs are bad. I won't take them, I won't."
"And it's not a drug, Destinee; it's a dietary supplement brewed from human sperm--by law, males are legally mandated to donate ten cubic centimeters per week; it gets fermented and is administered to ease women's cravings." Though Destinee rolled her eyes, Krislyn stood firm and reinforced the warning. "It's for out-of-control women--like you," the attorney continued. "The CDC approves it for hopeless cases--like yours."
"Well, I hate Cum-Uppance #9, or whatever it's called!" Destinee shrilled. "First, it doesn't even taste like cum! Second, it puts me to fucking sleep! We all dream about the real thing, Krislyn, about sperm, cum, man juice; about extracting it as we please, you know, fresh, minus thuggish police banging the door down; other girls want what I want; they just won't admit it--sluts."
After a busy morning, Judge Canyon, her golf game scheduled to start at one o'clock, needed to move her docket along. Looking down from the bench, she eyed Destinee's tiny ball of foil and, overhearing fragments of the unruly girl's tirade, flashed one of her signature glares at the apprehensive attorney.
"Shush, Destinee," Krislyn warned, "or it's the slammer for both of us."
Reluctantly, the frustrated arrestee slouched back into her chair, for the moment, reverting to what passed for good manners. Her glower, however, spoke to harsher feelings since she knew she was in trouble--again.
"Attorney Shen," Judge Canyon said. "Does your client wish to petition the court?"
"Your Honor, Ms. Danube is the victim of circumstance; law enforcement entrapped her--they planted a hidden camera in that alleyway where the alleged incident occurred and..."
Dismissing the attorney's fine points, the judge glanced toward several news reporters sitting at the gallery's rear. Impatiently, each riveted her attention to the plight of the habitual sex offender.
"That's neither here nor there, Ms. Shen," the judge, conscious of looming headlines, countered. "My hands are tied; it's time your client faced the music. The defendant will rise."
The lawyer and the silently defiant detainee stood straight as Judge Canyon continued. "Ms. Danube, on July 10, you were arrested and charged with violating section 66-6 of the Sunset Clause of U.S. Code 77 of the Volstead Repetition Act, which bars male to female transmission of, or possession and consumption of the forbidden intoxicant, human semen.
"Official video," she continued, "recorded you, a person identifying as female, soliciting such fluid from a notorious, unlicensed street vendor--an avowed male, Mr. Jamaica Thune. Mr. Thune has since pled guilty to contributing to the delinquency of a female by dispensing illegal sperm. The surgical removal of his testicles took place on July 11. He is currently serving twelve years in Leavenworth."
Assuming an innocent plea, Judge Canyon glanced at the virtual monitor originating from her francium-plated judicial ring, which she wore on her middle finger. Carefully, she scanned a disturbing internet headline and video heralding Destinee Danube's overly publicized arrival at the courthouse this morning.
A second headline proved even more concerning. Playing to the media, the chronically meddlesome State's Attorney just concluded a press conference where she threatened to take Destinee's case to the grand jury, implying that unless Judge Canyon ruled against the delinquent girl, the judge's upcoming re-election might be jeopardized.
Refocusing, the magistrate reiterated her earlier question: "How do you plead, Ms. Danube?"
"Your Honor, you see, it's complicated; it's not that I want cum--it's that I need it. My mental health gets all fucked up if I don't get a fix every day; I mean, well, every other day, which isn't that bad compared to some girls! In olden days, women got what they wanted, you know, they had partners called hubs--husbands; it's something like that--it means a life partner for women. Anyway--not guilty."
The mere mention of the word 'husband' drew a quick response from the jurist. "I am perfectly aware of the meaning of--of that word, Ms. Danube!" the exasperated judge fulminated. Mere reference to the 'H-Word' prompted annoyance from the bench, and a hush settled over the courtroom.
"That term, 'husband,' which the court only utters for the record, is taboo speech under the 'Pink Laws,' young lady. And to your point that access to semen is a right under the Constitution, well, that's nonsense; sperm transfer is against the law--period."
"Do not lecture me on the law--or I will add contempt to the charge. Due to your 'not guilty' plea, I have no choice but to allow into evidence video collected by the police. Bailiff, run the surveillance tape."
As the courtroom lights dimmed, a grainy image of Destinee emerged from the large monitor. On her knees, her blouse was open, and her ample breasts were exposed. The obviously wary criminal, her mouth agape as she sucked hungrily, alternately sucked, drew her head back, eyed the standing male's huge erection, and intermittently glanced about, apparently watching out for the CPU, the fearsome 'Cum Police Unit.'
A gasp, followed by a chorus of nods from the gallery of heretofore-silent reporters, suggested the case was a no-brainer.
As the video continued, the kneeling offender felt, fondled, and licked the male's full scrotum as she worked her way up and over his massively swollen penis. Scornfully, the disgusted gawkers in the press section shook their heads.
Destinee Danube, slurping and sucking ravenously, cast beseeching looks, upwards at the grinning male. From time to time, she appeared to beg. Seconds later, the nightmarish fluid flooded her mouth. With guns drawn, detectives Melanie Wilkes and Ellen O'Hara swooped in to make their arrest.
"Spit--SPIT!" Detective Wilkes shrieked as she pulled the addicted Destinee to her feet and cuffed her hands.
"Don't you dare! Don't you dare swallow! Don't!" Detective O'Hara commanded. "Gulping is banned!"
It was too late. The creamy excitant's effects had already kicked in, and Destinee, her legs buckling, her eyes rolling back in their sockets, collapsed to the pavement."
"Defund the fucking fucked up cops," she slurred as she went down, "I--I demand my lawyer, you back-stabbing bitches!" With that, the recording ended.
Indisputable video evidence made for an easy decision. Banging her gavel, Judge Canyon returned attention to the proceedings. "Do you wish to change your plea, young lady? I remind you; this is your third offense--if the case goes to trial, you could do the max."
"Not guilty, judge," Destinee defiantly insisted to an accompanying roar from a suddenly standing and thus far silent cluster of sympathetic spectators.
"CUM IS A WOMAN'S RIGHT!" The cluster of threatening women shouted at the judge as police roughly escorted them from the courtroom. "You can't deny us forever--FASCIST PIGS! WE DEMAND SPERM!" they screeched.
At the last second, the ever-resourceful defense attorney interceded. "Objection, Your Honor. Destinee Danube's addiction is medical--it's...it's healthcare. Higher courts have ruled that it is sometimes necessary for a woman to seek street therapy. The matter falls under stare decisis, settled law! This court forces women like Destinee Danube into back-alley sperm deals--my client will appeal!"
The judge, interrupting her, looked askance and unceremoniously banged her gavel again. "Objection noted, counselor. The regulation is clear. The defendant is remanded to Rikers pending a mental health evaluation--her fourth."
Shivering, Destinee, days since her last fix, interrupted with a final point. "But Judge, if you lock me up, how will I get enough..."
"...cum? Ms. Danube, you will cease tying up this court! I am sick of seeing your name on arrest warrants. If you cavort with sperm vendors, the law will come down on your mentally disturbed head! Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, Your Honor, it's just that..."
"...if you continue to defy the court--you will face jail."
Banging her gavel a final time, the no-nonsense judge ruled. "Eight months of Cum-Uppance #9 therapy, followed by a year of probation," she snapped, "Next case."