The Rules of Swinging, Part 2

The Rules of Swinging, Part 2

by Adam Gunn

In my last blog post, I discussed rules that every couple should have before they enter into swinging or hotwifing. Now, let’s suppose that you’ve gotten through that, both of you have decided you want to meet another couple or a single person for fun. In this blog, we’ll talk about what rules you might want have at that time.

These are only suggestions. They may apply to you, they may not. Take or leave them, as you and your partners desire.

1. Tease only, soft-swap or full swap

Not all swingers go all the way with other people, and you don’t have to. Decide - in advance! - what behavior you’re comfortable with.

The first option is teasing only. Let’s suppose you two meet another couple, you’re attracted, but you don’t want to actually do anything, even petting. That’s cool. Talk sexy, show a bit of cleavage, and enjoy your lascivious behavior. Even at swing clubs you’ll bump into people who would never kiss you, no matter how attractive they find you.

The second option is soft-swap. This takes you to the brink, but doesn’t cross the line. You may decide you want to make out with the other people, let them touch erotic zones, even have oral sex. But when it comes time to let go, the couples swap back so that each person copulates with their spouse. There are variations on this. For example, is it okay for the wife to give a blowjob to the other husband, letting the guy’s penis into her mouth? Is it okay for the guy to come in her mouth? All you have to do is figure out what you are comfortable with, and let the other people know before clothes start flying. Some swingers, especially more experienced couples, might decide not to play with you if you’re soft-swap. That’s okay, that’s their loss, isn’t it?

And lastly, of course, is full swap, where any ‘normal’ sexual activity is allowed and encouraged.

2. Condoms

Condoms are used for prevention of pregnancy and some STDs. Are you going to use them, or not? You’ll be safer if you do. On the other hand, they can be uncomfortable, and nothing is better than smooth skin inside of smooth skin. Decide - in advance - what your policy is before you go all the way, and let your partner know about the rule beforehand.

Some people you play with won’t want to use condoms even though you desire them. Stay strong! And I think a corner of Dante’s Hell is reserved for cretins who try to trick you into thinking they’re wearing a rubber when in fact they’ve taken it off.

3. Cheaters

If you go searching for partners, you’re likely to run into people who are married and cheating on their spouse; that is, their wife or husband doesn’t know that their spouse will hop gleefully into bed with you. (Yes, there are more male cheaters than female, but it happens. I’ve even bumped into pairs - a couple that are out looking, but both are married to other people.)

Do you want to swing with these people? Are you willing to contribute to what some people consider immoral behavior? Many worry that this will lead to drama if the spouse finds out.

But, on the other hand, some feel that they aren’t the ones who are cheating, their spouse is well aware of what’s happening; it’s not their place to worry about what someone else is doing. A married lover sometimes is prone to be more discreet, and when you break up with them (if you’re in a relationship,) they’re less likely to make a fuss.

4. Alcohol Usage

Many people like a drink to relax them. But too much makes men impotent and causes both sexes to forget good intentions. Think about how much is too much.

5. Don’t take one for the team

We want our spouses to have a good time, and if the opposite wife is a good looking blond with legs up to here, wouldn’t it be nice if your guy could get a piece of that? But, if the husband of that good looking wife isn’t someone to your liking, don’t agree to let him be with you just so your spouse can have fun. In the long run, you’ll be unhappy. I suggest that you stop it before it gets started. The same goes for husbands, of course.

6. Kissing

This is one of the most controversial of rules. There are those who don’t mind allowing penetration of genitals, but somehow feel that kissing between people who aren’t married is just too personal. If that’s your style, that’s okay. Just let your potential partner for the night know before you start.

7. Same room / separate rooms

Two couples in the same room, making love at the same time, can be a lot of fun. While you’re with her, you can see and hear your wife pleasuring the other man, having a good orgasm. (It can work just as well for the wife, I hear.) In addition, the wife may feel safer because her husband can make sure the other man doesn’t do anything that gets out of control.

On the other hand, if you’re actually watching your spouse making love with someone else, you may have feelings of jealousy that aren’t apparent if you’re in a different room. Also, there aren’t any distractions and you might be able to concentrate on your momentary courtier with more gusto. If you and your partner are done with your activities but your spouse is still going at it on the other bed in the same room, it can get a little awkward. In a separate room, you might even feel a little more liberated about what you want to do (staying within the other rules, of course.)

The same room / separate rooms debate is something that should be considered beforehand, but it’s also something that can be changed depending on the mood. As always, talking about it and coming to an agreement is crucial.

8. Where can your partner come?

For most full-swap couples, it’s expected that the male orgasm takes place while the penis is surrounded by soft female tissue. But some men enjoy coming on the woman’s body. Are you a woman who doesn’t like it when sperm gets into your hair? Do you want the man’s spunk in your mouth after a blow job? You have the right to decide where your momentary friend leaves his deposit.

9. Anal sex, BDSM, foot fetish, golden showers and the like

We all have our kinks. And if we’re swingers, our playmates have their own kinks. Talk about it with your potential partner(s) before the panties hit the floor, and if you’re not into it, don’t do it. But if it sounds interesting, try it, you might like it. Swinging is about new and different experiences after all.

10. Respect your consort’s rules

By the time you’re naked and sweating, you should already know what the other person’s rules are. Maybe the next time you can try that thing they don’t want to do, but this time don’t even think about doing it if they’ve asked you not to. And, of course, if they say No!, stop whatever it is.

11. Don’t change your rules in the heat of the moment

Let’s suppose you’ve decided that you guys just want to be soft-swap. You might even have an understanding that maybe, down the road, you’ll think about going full swap. Then while you’re naked and kissing and hugging, you’re overcome with a desire to be totally linked with this stranger. Don’t call over to your spouse and say, “Listen, I’ve changed my mind, we’re going to fuck!” This is unfair, and will almost certainly lead to arguments and hurt. The rules you entered the session with should be the ones you leave with.


Of course, over time and with conversation, rules can change. Maybe you’ll start out as soft-swap only and then progress over time to full intercourse. You’ll might find that no kissing idea was a bit silly. You might want the other person to adore your feet, something you found distasteful a month ago. In the right situation, you might find that you won’t mind if your spouse watches you as you get naked with a complete stranger. Your attitudes will change as you experiment.

In this case, go back to the very first rule - Communicate. And then make new rules that make sense for both of you.

And have fun. If it’s not fun, No should definitely mean No!


Adam Gunn is an award-winning writer of erotic fiction, some of his works are available here on Noveltrove. He has been active in Swinging and Hotwifing for more than two decades. He will be writing an occasional blog entry here. Do you have questions for him? Feel free to ask by commenting below.

Image by Adrianna Calvo, CC0