Weird Laws About Sex

All societies, even primitive societies, have laws.  In times past, often these laws were just the whim of a king or emperor, but they were still rules to live by.  That concept, “rules to live by” was pretty important back then.  Not following the rules often meant death and it probably wouldn’t be quick.  One of the favorites back then was the “right” of the king or other ruler to take a bride’s virginity.  It was good to be king.

When societies matured and kings and emperors realized the people could rise up and overthrow them, they became a little more sympathetic to the working classes.  Laws were implemented for reasons that fit the times instead of “just because I can”.  

In democratic societies like the United States, laws are written and implemented by representatives elected by the population, and in general, have to follow public opinion.  Yes, there are laws written for specific minority groups and lobbyists that aren’t in the majority, but most laws are the result of demands by voters.  

For the most part, this approach works well.  The majority of voters tell their representatives what they want and need, and after a usually thorough debate  about the direct and collateral effects, the law is written, passed, and becomes part of the legal code for the country, state, county, or municipality.  Should a law be enacted that is not the majority opinion, the representatives who voted for said law will face a day of reckoning at the next election.  Another alternative is to litigate the law through the court system.

This process gets somewhat confusing when laws about sex are involved.  Some laws about sex make perfect sense, or at least would have at the time they were enacted.  There are other laws though, that make one scratch one’s head and wonder what in the world they were thinking.  While many of these laws are no longer in effect, they were enacted at some point because there appeared to be a need.  Let’s take a look at a few that seem a bit on the far side.

Laws about public sex and public displays of affection

In London, UK, it is illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle.  It’s hard to imagine that this was a rampant problem in London that needed fixing with an actual law.  I mean, was it common to look out the window of your house and see some girl spread-eagled on a bike with the guy pumping away?  Somehow, I doubt that.  Bike seats are pretty comfortable but they’re also pretty small and bikes tend to lean significantly when parked.  I’d think balance would be somewhat of a problem especially at that magic moment.

One also has to wonder why it’s just illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle.  The wording of the law seems to indicate you can screw your girl to your heart’s content while rolling over the landscape at sixty-plus miles a hour.  While that’s probably impractical and obviously unsafe, the law in question would permit that.

In Indiana and South Dakota, it is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public.  I think Nature’s law trumps this one.  When you’re a young guy, sometimes it just happens all by itself.  After that, well, some guys just can’t control it what with haltertops and short shorts on women.  One look and the flag starts to go up.  Imagine going to court and trying to explain your way out of that one.  “Honest, Your Honor, it was just my pocketknife”.

In Fairbanks, Alaska, it’s illegal for moose to have sex on any city street.  I wonder if they put up signs to inform the moose like they do smokers.   Would it be OK for a bull moose to nuzzle his intended into an alley before mounting her, or is that a city street?  OK, this isn’t human sex, but it’s still an example of a strange sex law.

In Little Rock, Arkansas, flirtation and "lascivious banter" between men and women on the streets may result in a 30-day jail term.   I guess in Little Rock, it’s not even legal to do a little leering and hair fluffing.

In Florida, neither married couples nor single couples may engage in open "lewdness or lascivious behavior".  So, I guess giving your wife’s ass a friendly pat and squeeze is a big no-no, even if she likes it.   I wonder how they treat women who go topless on clothing optional beaches.  That’s pretty lewd and lascivious to me even though it is fun.

Flirting is illegal In Haddon Township, New Jersey.  Evidently the Haddon Township police never go to bars on Saturday night or most of the single population would be in jail.

Oregon has all the public taboos in one law. It is illegal for the owner of a bar to allow anyone inside to engage in "acts, or simulated acts, of sexual intercourse, masturbation, sodomy, bestiality, oral copulation, flagellation, or any sexual acts which are otherwise prohibited by law."  I guess humping your girlfriend on the dance floor would qualify you for a trip to jail.  What do they do at Halloween?  I mean, if the girl dresses up as a dominatrix and flips her whip at you, does she have to go to jail?  What if she dresses up like a sexy kitten and you lift her tail?

Oregon did miss one thing in that law, so they enacted another to correct the omission. It's illegal to lie down in a public restroom, or for two people to share a stall meant for one.  

Laws about private sex

Private sex is just that – private – and yet, some governments have attempted to regulate that too.  One has to wonder who would file a complaint for these infractions of established law.

 

In Willowdale, Oregon, men can’t legally curse while having sex.  I suppose if the lady wasn’t satisfied, that’s one way to get even.  It also seems to be quite biased against men.  It would be perfectly acceptable for a woman to say, “Dammit, not there you idiot, the other place”, while a man couldn’t even say, “Holy shit, Honey, you’re fucking great”.

In Mississippi, adultery and premarital sex are punishable by a $500 fine and six months in prison.  I don’t know if it makes a difference who initiated it, but it would seem the punishment should be shared if it was consensual.  Probably not though.  The unlucky, lucky guy probably has to pay the fine and do the time.

West Virginia, is a little less biased.  A man and women who live together and exhibit “lewd” behavior can both be sentenced to a year in jail.

In Ames, Iowa, it is illegal for a husband to take more than three sips of beer while still in bed with his wife after having sex with her.  It would seem that in Ames, guys were rolling over, popping the top on a cold one, and quaffing way while the little lady laid there and watched.  Really?   I always feel like going to sleep.

In Kansas, the legal definition of "sodomy" includes oral sex, but anal penetration with a finger is allowed under specified circumstances.  Just in case you live in Kansas and are starting to worry about last night, most sodomy laws have since been overturned by the US Supreme Court even though they may remain on the books.

In North Carolina, it’s illegal for an unmarried couple to pretend to be married in order to share a hotel room.  If this was enforced, half the hotels in North Carolina would be bankrupt.

Keeping it in the family

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.  I’m not really sure how one man would do that.  In sequence, yes, but at the same time?  I’ve seen that in porn films, but could it have really been enough of a problem to require a law?

Cali, Columbia takes the cake. It’s the law there that a woman’s mother must bear witness to the first time her daughter and the daughter’s husband have sex.  What is she supposed to do – act as a coach?  “That’s right Maria, open up your legs now so he can get it in, and don’t worry, it’ll only hurt a little.  Now, Juan, just put it in but not very fast, and it’ll help if you suck her nipples when you do.”

In Pennsylvania. one cannot cohabit with an "ancestor or descendant", “cohabiting” being defined as living in the same residence and having sex at least some of the time.  The law doesn’t specifically state the sex must be with the ancestor or descendant, so is it illegal for a man and wife to have sex if their children still live at home?

Surprisingly, in Utah you can marry your first cousin, but only if you’re both over 65 or you’re both over the age of 55 and can prove the female partner is infertile.

Exhibitionistic Behavior

In China, it is illegal for women to walk around a hotel room naked even with the drapes closed.  They can be naked in the bathroom though, but then, being naked is sort of a prerequisite for some bathroom activities.

In New Mexico, “nudity” is permissible as long as the genitals and female nipples are covered.  That’s not really “nudity” is it?  It sound’s more like they just  legalized bikini’s.

In Flint, Mi, pants that ride low enough to expose underwear are a class B offense.  If they ride low enough to expose butt cheeks, it’s a class A offense.  I suppose this takes care of the men who wear pants like this, but does it also make it illegal for a woman to show the little “Y” at the top of her thong panty?  If so, there oughta’ be a law to allow that…butt cheeks too now that I think about it…well, now that I think about it some more, maybe not butt cheeks.

In Fargo, North Dakota, it’s illegal to swim naked in the Red River between 8 AM and 8 PM.  It’s perfectly legal to strip naked and go for a dip any time through the night.  I guess that’s OK because it’s dark then and nobody could see you.

Sex toys and other sexy stuff

In Arizona, it is illegal to have more than two dildos in the same house.  I suppose if a woman had two daughters, they’d have to share.

Texas, that bastion of conservatism, is surprisingly liberal where dildos are concerned.  You may legally own six.  I’m not sure what the explanation is for just six instead of as many as you want.  I mean, a girl’s gotta have some variety once in a while, doesn’t she?

In Georgia, the law is very clear.  Any and all sex toys are illegal.  I don’t know why there are adult book stores on I75 between Chattanooga and Atlanta unless all they sell are books.

In Nevada, sex toys are also illegal.  That’s really strange since Nevada seems to be perfectly happy with “The Mustang Ranch” and a few other legal brothels.  I guess “do it yourself” isn’t a big thing in Nevada.

In Salt Lake City, Utah, it’s illegal to show a sex toy to a minor unless the minor is your own child.  Well, that makes sense.  It’s home schooling at its best.

Miscellaneous weird sex laws

Men in Hong Kong have a special incentive to stay faithful to their wives.  If the wife finds out her husband has been dipping his pen in another inkwell, it’s legal for her to kill him.  She can only use her hands though, and most Chinese women are really tiny, so maybe it’s not as big a threat as it seems.

In Walnut, California, home base for liberalism, it’s illegal for a man to dress as a woman without getting written permission from the local sheriff.  I would suppose it’s easier to get that permission today.  I wonder if they have a standard form.

If you live in Georgia, beware.  If you dress up your significant other as a teddy bear and then handcuff them to the bed, you’d be guilty of "sadomasochistic abuse".  No, it doesn’t matter if he or she lives to be a teddy bear handcuffed to a bed, you’re still guilty.

If you live in Illinois and sell a reptile to someone, you have to include a warning not to kiss or nuzzle the reptile.  I can’t imagine even thinking I wanted to kiss or nuzzle a snake or a frog, but maybe that’s just me.  Apparently a bunch of people thought it was cool to make out with their reptilian pet.

Last, but certainly not least, is this law.  In Florida, it’s illegal to have sex with a porcupine.  I mean, come on.