It's all on the page

Depending on the medium, it might be more or less important to write what we call in the theater 'stage direction'. In movies or TV scripts, those types of note are usually called 'Action' or 'General'. It's words and lines that the actors won't say on screen or on stage but that will help the reader of the script or the director or actor understand the writer's intention.

In writing novels, short stories or any type of fiction that is made only to be 'read' - as opposed to acted out - it is generally recommended to make the narration and descriptions as compelling as any dialogue. Of course, in any type of writing, it is also recommended to stay away from clichés, over-done banalities or commonplace (often completely unrealistic) shortcuts.

If you are a fan of movies and TV and have explored all types of genres - whether it be as an audience member OR a writer/creator/actor/artist of any kind - I'm pretty sure you'll get a kick out of these very ironic statements. Maybe you'll even be able to write a few titles of movies or TV series titles that might apply, next to some of these statements!

Anyway, I hope you have as much fun with them as I did.

Tristan LeMay, author xx

1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

3. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

7. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

8. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

9. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

10. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

11. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

12. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

13. All single women have a cat.

14. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

15. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

16. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just sightly bluish.

17. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

18. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

19. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

20. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.



(Posted May 28, 2019)