The Rules of Swinging, Part 1

by Adam Gunn

There’s an excellent book called The Ethical Slut. The title works so well because most people assume that slutty women and their male equivalents are, by definition, immoral. For successful swingers and hotwives, nothing could be less true. Every couple that engages in planned and mutually agreed extramarital sex has rules for their behavior.

Those guidelines will differ from couple to couple. In this (and my next blog entry,) I’ll discuss the rules that some couples have. Not all of them will apply to you, but as long as you and your spouse or committed partner understand the issues, you’ll be fine.

This first post will discuss rules you should understand and agree upon before any swinging activity ever takes place.

1. Communicate

The very first rule that every couple should have is that they should honestly and openly talk with each other about their desires and concerns. There’s a lot of grey area in our lives and in a marriage. While swinging can be a happy time, it can also lead to misunderstanding, hurt and distrust. If you talk with each other, let each other know what your fantasies, needs and worries are, you should be able to avoid or at least get past any distress.

This is important: if the two of you can’t get to agreements about these things, if you aren’t on the same page (or at least be willing to compromise and accommodate with your partner,) don’t swing! If you’re having arguments about what it is you want (or don’t want) to do sexually with others, swinging is likely to permanently hurt your relationship.

Before you decide to swing, understand what turns you and your partner on, what experiences you’d like to have. After a session with another person or persons, talk to each other, tell each other what you liked and didn’t like, what you’re glad happened and how you want the next time to be different.

2. Emotions

Some people can have a good time sexually with anyone they are attracted to. Others need to feel a connection before they jump into bed. What do you and your partner want?

If your swinging life consists of one escapade followed by another one with different people, emotions (such as ‘falling in love’) with your new sexual partners shouldn’t be a problem. But, many people find that they like another couple or a single so much that they see them again and again. This can cause issues.

What are you going to do if you begin to have significant emotional attraction to someone else? Or what if you see that your partner is getting a bit too close to someone else for your comfort. Talk about it now, before you start. Then if it should ever happen, at least you’ll have some background to work with.

Many couples have the rule, ‘If either one of us is falling for someone else, either of us can decide we’ll never see them again.’

3. No Cheating

Swinging (and the subset of Hotwifing) is a couples game. Both of the people in the primary relationship should be happy and involved. If one of you is seeing someone else on the side and the other person doesn’t know about it, you’re not swinging, you’re cheating. Don’t do that, it will just cause major problems sooner or later.

4. No Means No

You should understand that you and your partner have needs, wants, fantasies and desires. Eventually, you may find someone that one of you likes, and the other doesn’t. Or a potential lover will want you to do something you’re not comfortable with. You have the right to say no to that particular act, or you can stop seeing those people altogether. One night, you may have different desires than you did a different night; in that case, it’s okay to say no to anything that you don’t want to do.

If either of you says no, both parties should stop. At least until you’ve talked about it and come to agreement. Yes, this goes back to rule number one, Communicate.

5. Veto Power

This is similar to rule 4, but slightly different. You have the right to say no for yourself, but do you have the right to say no for your partner? There should be agreement on this.

This is particularly important in hotwifing situations. Let’s say the wife has met a man, is interested in playing with him, and for whatever reason the husband isn’t comfortable with the gentleman. Should he have veto power? Some couples feel that since it’s the wife giving her body to another, the man shouldn’t be able to say no. Others feel that since this is a couple’s game, both people should have veto power.

It’s important to understand if you believe that one person can refuse permission for the couple.

Conclusion (at least for this post)

All people are different, they have varying needs and fantasies. Couples, too, are different from each other. Before a couple has sex with people outside the marriage, they should talk with each other and come to an understanding of what is permissible and desired. The suggested rules above should be understood and agreement reached before anything happens.

In the next blog post, I’ll discuss what rules a couple might have when they actually take the plunge.

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Adam Gunn is an award-winning writer of erotic fiction, some of his works are available here on Noveltrove. He has been active in Swinging and Hotwifing for more than two decades. He will be writing an occasional blog entry here. Do you have questions for him? Feel free to ask by commenting below.

Image by geralt, CC0